Old friends, new roles

Originally posted: Sunday, June 6, 2010

Old friends, new roles

One of my closest friends in the world is getting married in less than 3 weeks. I am his Best Man. (He was my Man of Honor almost 6 years ago.) I've sat down to write the Best Man's toast about a dozen times and can't figure a way to fuse all these different things I want to say. I've been reading articles and books on marriage, and it just makes me want to read more about it, not write more about it.
I got married the month before my 25th birthday. For my generation-- especially if you're a college graduate, and especially if you're an actor (actors don't usually accept one permanent job fresh out of college)--that is pretty young to get married. I was engaged a year after I graduated college--- and I didn't meet my husband until 3 months before that. Here I am, almost 6 years married, and one of my close friends is FINALLY getting married. I have waited for this. Not because I think everyone should get married. Not because I don't want to be the 'only one'. Because I have had trouble keeping the same kind of connection to these friends since the day I accepted Seth's proposal. More so once we actually got married, after buying a house, and much, much more so after having children. Now, this is a guess, but I don't think they feel it as much. I think they feel pretty much the same closeness to me, minus the regular fading time and distance take. But, try talking about your sex life to your single girlfriend who hasn't been with the same man more than a year or two and it just... turns into explaining and justifying instead of mutual understanding---through no one's fault which makes it even sadder (for me). Or tell your friend how tough it is to get up with a newborn and nurse her and then your preschooler wakes up, and he mentions having to get up to walk the dog. Or listen to anyone without kids talk about how busy they are and try not to laugh. Or try telling your gay friend (right now, the closest to my situation with a longtime partner and a mortgage) sometimes your 3 years old makes you so mad you want to smack her... again-- not the same as telling another mom who has been there 1000 times over.
But, another mom, or another wife isn't who I want. I want these people. These friends I chose when I was just me. I didn't choose them to be in my life because our kids are the same age. Or because our husbands get along, or because we are neighbors. I chose them because we connected when we were just ourselves. And not even! We met at 18, 19 years old. That makes it even better--- we grew with each other. I want them growing with me still---and we are---but there are so many choices, it's impossible to all grow down the same path, especially at the same time.
Before I was a mother, I HATED hearing people tell me, "You aren''t busy till you have kids... Wait till you have kids, then you'll know..., etc." I vowed not to be the person who thinks those thoughts and to remember how condescending I thought that was and rude. So, I mainly keep my mouth shut. But the awful truth is--- I still think it!
I think, "I'm glad you love your cat/dog/fish, etc., but you can leave him at home for 10 hours and go out without getting arrested!"
The great thing is--and what I need to remember more often--- that we all still talk. Still love each other. Still care anough to ask, listen, and be there. Enough to meet in the middle of the Smoky Mountains and have Thanksgiving together this year. I think that's a pretty rare record. Most moms I know drift out of friendships with single friends by the one year old mark.
Zoe turns 3 next month and she's a flower girl in my friend's wedding. She knows all of them as her uncles and aunts. I know the name of the guy (and the juicy details) my girlfriend went on a date with Friday night (and he sounds like a winner!), and even though it sounds like the weirdest thing in the world, this mother of two still had fun planning a Bachelor Party just last week.
Am I sad not one of these three people whom I call my best friends is having children when I am having children? Yes--it's hard. Being a mother is my favorite thing I've ever done and I want to share it with these friends who know me best. Not getting to share it (as in-- raising children at the same time) at times makes me feel isolated from them.

But... the blessing is... we don't need that to connect us. We're connected.

And anyway, I can talk potty training and vaginal lacerations with the other moms.