Originally posted- Monday, June 7, 2010
Family
Of course everyone has family drama of some sort or another. I once heard a statistic that 80% of families are dysfunctional. In fact, when I hear someone's 'poor me' story about their childhood, I'm kinda like, "Yeah... and?" I agree that at least 80% could put a crappy spin on our childhoods.
For instance-- I had a wonderful childhood. My mother was always employed, I was clothed, fed, my mom talked to me about my feelings, and made sure I could read before Kindergarten, told me she loves me at least three times a day and came to all of my Drama Club events.
Or--- I could say this: I grew up without a father and my biological dad probably didn't even believe my mom that he was my father. I met him once when I was 16, and when I did he mentioned my boobs. (Gross.) I have 4 half brothers that have no idea I exist. My mom married for the first time when I was 3, and when it didn't work out and I lost two people I had known as sisters at the time. My mom married again when I was 12 and I loved him, and he died of cancer less than two years later, again losing my 7 year old stepbrother because his grandparents contested the will vowing 'no grandson of theirs would be raised by a Jewish woman'. My mom married again when I was 20--to a man who is my polar opposite---and from that day our closeness faded with each year.
As Jack Canfield says, "That's just, 'So what? The question is, what are you going to do now?"
And that is the real question. (For me.)
In creating my own family, I thought all of these issues would evaporate. Nope. They seem even more pressing. And I thought I'd find peace in creating a family to function the way I think (my husband and I think, actually) it should function. Nope. Now I just find myself wanting my extended family to agree with me. But, why should they? I don't agree with them. And isn't it pretty much true (though it sounds un-advanced to say) people don't really change after a certain point? I'm going to go ahead and state this: People don't change after about 25 years old. Maybe they grow, or learn new things... but in truth-- I am still the same person I was when I was six years old.
So, to sum up the point of this post (and because my almost-3 year old is screaming her head off upstairs)... I guess I just have to make peace with what is largely out of my control. I will never change my mother, or extended family. I can share my feelings and ideas, but ultimately, I have to be okay with just knowing I agree with my choices. Tough, because even though I am a grown-up and can look at my mother and see the flaws and the places lacking insight... she's my mother... and a little piece of me will always need her to approve and applaud. And because, I think about how I feel and want to do everything I can to keep the silent distance from growing between me and my daughters.
We say we don't want to turn into our parents and we laugh... but I think we laugh to keep the true fear of it at bay. Because it's not that we don't want to turn into our parents... it's that we just don't want to turn into whatever part made us sad.
For instance-- I had a wonderful childhood. My mother was always employed, I was clothed, fed, my mom talked to me about my feelings, and made sure I could read before Kindergarten, told me she loves me at least three times a day and came to all of my Drama Club events.
Or--- I could say this: I grew up without a father and my biological dad probably didn't even believe my mom that he was my father. I met him once when I was 16, and when I did he mentioned my boobs. (Gross.) I have 4 half brothers that have no idea I exist. My mom married for the first time when I was 3, and when it didn't work out and I lost two people I had known as sisters at the time. My mom married again when I was 12 and I loved him, and he died of cancer less than two years later, again losing my 7 year old stepbrother because his grandparents contested the will vowing 'no grandson of theirs would be raised by a Jewish woman'. My mom married again when I was 20--to a man who is my polar opposite---and from that day our closeness faded with each year.
As Jack Canfield says, "That's just, 'So what? The question is, what are you going to do now?"
And that is the real question. (For me.)
In creating my own family, I thought all of these issues would evaporate. Nope. They seem even more pressing. And I thought I'd find peace in creating a family to function the way I think (my husband and I think, actually) it should function. Nope. Now I just find myself wanting my extended family to agree with me. But, why should they? I don't agree with them. And isn't it pretty much true (though it sounds un-advanced to say) people don't really change after a certain point? I'm going to go ahead and state this: People don't change after about 25 years old. Maybe they grow, or learn new things... but in truth-- I am still the same person I was when I was six years old.
So, to sum up the point of this post (and because my almost-3 year old is screaming her head off upstairs)... I guess I just have to make peace with what is largely out of my control. I will never change my mother, or extended family. I can share my feelings and ideas, but ultimately, I have to be okay with just knowing I agree with my choices. Tough, because even though I am a grown-up and can look at my mother and see the flaws and the places lacking insight... she's my mother... and a little piece of me will always need her to approve and applaud. And because, I think about how I feel and want to do everything I can to keep the silent distance from growing between me and my daughters.
We say we don't want to turn into our parents and we laugh... but I think we laugh to keep the true fear of it at bay. Because it's not that we don't want to turn into our parents... it's that we just don't want to turn into whatever part made us sad.
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