Originally posted: Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friends and Family: Who wins?
My Family of Origin is not dysfunctional in any special or drastic way-- just the regular way.
All the women obsessed with weight and the weight of others---judge success by it, etc. My grandmother's favorite bounced between whoever had the most recent accolades and sent prompt thank-you notes. The men were quiet, and there were subjects that were off limits. Only certain people got to claim mistreatment, others got no sympathy.
When I went to college, I put together my Chosen Family-- uncalculated, just fate. Made up of close friends who knew my deepest emotions and most shameful secrets, it was a relief to be embraced in my totality.
Over 6 years ago I found my husband Seth and also an entirely new level of emotional intimacy. We had two daughters and now we are a unit--a foursome--and in this cocoon I feel the safest I've ever felt. I feel heard, I feel loved, I want to reciprocate and I want all of us to be happy and healthy and okay.
My husband and I talk a lot about wanting close friends. We have moved a lot, and my Chosen Family is spread from Chicago to New York. Seth is more of a loner, connecting with whoever is in his immediate world. We'd love to have friends we can let go with, be us, connect.
But, is it possible?
In college, I was my own entity-- it was easier for me to make these deep connections when I was with the same people day in and day out---living, studying, sharing philosophies, staying up all night and not worrying about mortgages or rocking a teething baby to sleep at 3:28am.
I feel nervous getting close to another person who might depend on me, when I'm barely juggling the four in my own family (yes, I go on the list, too). But I long for it. Like, really long for it. But, after meeting new people, invariably I have a list of why I don't think we're compatible friends after about 2 hours. (I couldn't swear around her, he is an idiot, she is too negative, he doesn't help with the kids, she would think I'm too liberal, etc, etc. ) These are my own projections, but my imagination grips me sometimes.
Whenever I go out with other moms for the night, I am so happy---it's wonderful. I'm Emily again. No other role attached.
Maybe that's it-- in college I didn't really have any roles yet-- I was figuring out which ones I wanted to take on... shopping for roles.
Family of Origin. While I see a lot of young families around me closer than ever to theirs, I just feel the urge to keep distancing myself from mine. I feel-- at worst-- depressed and angry and --at best- nostalgic with mine. I feel I'm seventeen, not heard, and the biggest turn off of all-- the feeling that no one wants to address anything slightly uncomfortable--even if it's eating the room alive.
Where does that leave us? and why do I feel like the only one in my generation in this camp? I see grandparents in my girls' friends lives all over the place. In the trenches! Or--- distant-- either geographically or long ago cut out.
Honestly, I want to do what feels good. Life has too many other "must-dos" that I don't want to spend mine in obligation. But--- sometimes I am not even sure what would feel good. Wonderful grandparents? A great network of other parent-friends? Just being our own little island? I've got to keep reminding myself that it takes a long time to get these kind of answers.
Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are. ~Marsha Norman
Friends are God's apology for relations. ~Hugh Kingsmill
No two people - no mere father and mother - as I have often said, are enough to provide emotional security for a child. He needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons of variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him into it before he was born. ~Pearl S. Buck
All the women obsessed with weight and the weight of others---judge success by it, etc. My grandmother's favorite bounced between whoever had the most recent accolades and sent prompt thank-you notes. The men were quiet, and there were subjects that were off limits. Only certain people got to claim mistreatment, others got no sympathy.
When I went to college, I put together my Chosen Family-- uncalculated, just fate. Made up of close friends who knew my deepest emotions and most shameful secrets, it was a relief to be embraced in my totality.
Over 6 years ago I found my husband Seth and also an entirely new level of emotional intimacy. We had two daughters and now we are a unit--a foursome--and in this cocoon I feel the safest I've ever felt. I feel heard, I feel loved, I want to reciprocate and I want all of us to be happy and healthy and okay.
My husband and I talk a lot about wanting close friends. We have moved a lot, and my Chosen Family is spread from Chicago to New York. Seth is more of a loner, connecting with whoever is in his immediate world. We'd love to have friends we can let go with, be us, connect.
But, is it possible?
In college, I was my own entity-- it was easier for me to make these deep connections when I was with the same people day in and day out---living, studying, sharing philosophies, staying up all night and not worrying about mortgages or rocking a teething baby to sleep at 3:28am.
I feel nervous getting close to another person who might depend on me, when I'm barely juggling the four in my own family (yes, I go on the list, too). But I long for it. Like, really long for it. But, after meeting new people, invariably I have a list of why I don't think we're compatible friends after about 2 hours. (I couldn't swear around her, he is an idiot, she is too negative, he doesn't help with the kids, she would think I'm too liberal, etc, etc. ) These are my own projections, but my imagination grips me sometimes.
Whenever I go out with other moms for the night, I am so happy---it's wonderful. I'm Emily again. No other role attached.
Maybe that's it-- in college I didn't really have any roles yet-- I was figuring out which ones I wanted to take on... shopping for roles.
Family of Origin. While I see a lot of young families around me closer than ever to theirs, I just feel the urge to keep distancing myself from mine. I feel-- at worst-- depressed and angry and --at best- nostalgic with mine. I feel I'm seventeen, not heard, and the biggest turn off of all-- the feeling that no one wants to address anything slightly uncomfortable--even if it's eating the room alive.
Where does that leave us? and why do I feel like the only one in my generation in this camp? I see grandparents in my girls' friends lives all over the place. In the trenches! Or--- distant-- either geographically or long ago cut out.
Honestly, I want to do what feels good. Life has too many other "must-dos" that I don't want to spend mine in obligation. But--- sometimes I am not even sure what would feel good. Wonderful grandparents? A great network of other parent-friends? Just being our own little island? I've got to keep reminding myself that it takes a long time to get these kind of answers.
Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are. ~Marsha Norman
Friends are God's apology for relations. ~Hugh Kingsmill
No two people - no mere father and mother - as I have often said, are enough to provide emotional security for a child. He needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons of variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him into it before he was born. ~Pearl S. Buck
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