Always do your best.

"Always do your best" is something I heard a lot as a kid.  From teachers and from my mother.

I always felt so guilty when I turned something in and a teacher would say, "is this your best work?" And I'd lie and say, "yes".

Always do your best?  No thanks.  That's crazy.

Always? If I always did my best on every task or assignment I'd never sleep.

I did my best work about 15% of the time... On stuff I was really passionate about. But do my best work on something that would end up in the garbage within a year?  Do my best work and deprive myself the chance to read an extra chapter in my book while everyone else finished?

Maybe the message was misunderstood... If they meant " put in a good amount of effort" or "take your time and check your work", well fine.  That's reasonable.

But "always do your best work" always seemed unreasonable to me.  To me, it translated as "always do perfect work".

For some, maybe that works.  But I don't operate well that way.  I'd rather complete most tasks "pretty good" and save my best work for the things I'm fueled and excited to do.

By no means am I a lazy person. I just think we put too much emphasis on perfection and work and not enough on simply being open to life and absorbing the world.

Too much time honing our smartness and not enough honing our wisdom.

"Just Wait"

I have hated hearing this phrase since before I was a mom.

If a parent has kids older than your oldest-- you'll hear this phrase.

I have tried so hard not to use it since I became a mom almost 7 years ago.  But, admittedly, I have used other wording that's pretty close.

The thing about "just wait" is it's really for the parent of the older kid than it really is a warning for us.

What "Just Wait" means is..."I miss when my job was as easy as yours is now".  Which isn't even accurate.  Because mostly they are forgetting the hardness of whatever age they are referring to.  My six year old can be SO disrespectful and really test my patience-- this behavior is helping me to fail in all the ways I said I never would when she was a baby--- yelling, giving up, leaving mid-conversation, etc.  She is REALLY smart and knows me and sure does know how to press my buttons.  But as tough as this is... it doesn't mean her newborn days were easier.  (Actually, they really were--but #2 and #3 were tougher-- the point is the age, though).

Why we want to say "Just Wait" so badly is because we want to connect with that person-- and there is a gap.  It's why parents with kids the same age are just able to fall into friendship more easily.  It's like having the same major.  It's just easier to "get" each other.  Of course, there will always be some people in your major who suck, so you whittle the group down more... and you're left with a narrow pocket of people who are on a similar journey.

Next time a parent says "Just Wait" to you... translate it in your head to... "I miss my own kids at that age... I'm having a hard time at this stage."

The problem is-- whatever your current issues are with your kids will always seem tougher than whatever lies ahead or is behind you.  Behind you, they seem easier only because you did it-- you overcame them!  In front of you, you can still do what all of us do and say, "Well... my kids won't be like that."

Expectations

Maybe the difference between new moms and experienced moms is expectations.

Most new moms are thrilled with each tiny thing-- they are amazed by every step, every expression, each thing they are willing to try.  They report all the new things they do as if it contributes to the definition of who their baby is--- as a clue to their personality.  Experienced moms know, that you can't really tell exactly which things are defining as a baby or even as 1-2 year old until you can look back a few years down the line.  But-- we so want to know who our children will be, we are always looking for clues.  I think new moms just look harder (at least I did with my first baby).

Experienced moms know that, in general, babies are born without all the crap we take on as we get older and are --in general- freer spirits.  I'm not as amazed by what my kids will do anymore as I am hopeful they don't lose their "unencumberedness" over time.

"He really loves books", or "he is so brave, he's such a boy", or "she is such a little mommy", or "he just loves dogs" or "she can sleep anywhere" or "she'll talk to anyone"... before 2 years old---they are all explorations.  Some turn out to be defining, some turn out to be just testing the world and change as they grow.  I guess what I'm offering here is unsolicited advice... if I could go back, I'd try to let go of "looking for clues" and look at my (oldest) baby as a my teacher.  No matter who she becomes, she is here, unburdened, open to life.  She is almost 7 now, and she is more frightened of dogs, when she used to stop and let dogs push her down and lick her when she was 1- that cracked her up.  She is shy now and it sometimes takes a few meetings before she talks to people.  She's incredibly smart, but doesn't have the free confidence of her 18 month old self.  She is an incredible artist (INCREDIBLE) even though she didn't draw a stick figure til 3 years old.  She still wakes up at night and wants us even though she started sleeping through the night at 7 weeks old and did so til she was two.  She often lets her little sister take the lead.  She panics at the thought of being on stage despite frequent "shows" at home.  She is so different from when she was 18 months old... But more amazing than I could have imagined.  (And yet, my middle child has been comedic since she was born.)

I guess I didn't realize how much we want them to stay little but at the same time push to find out who they are.  But-- we'd never find out who they are if they stayed little!

I'm still working on it-- but trying to WATCH rather than interpret.

It's a journey for sure.

Sisyphean is a Real Word

Sometimes, when I feel like Sisyphus, I remind myself that if my kids' lives are too cushy, they'll have no clout when running for President.

Whether it's just the nature of having kids this small, or the nature of having to do more with less--- many of my tasks feel Sisyphean to me.

Now, just for an excuse to put a clip of one one of my favorite shows in--here's Sisyphus and Joel on Northern Exposure:

SISYPHUS

:  a legendary king of Corinth condemned eternally to repeatedly roll a heavy rock up a hill in Hades only to have it roll down again as it nears the top

Boys

For 6 years before I had my son, I was mom only to girls.  Of course I wanted them to have a healthy sense of the history of women and how to overcome any  obstacles related to that, etc... I read Cinderella Ate My Daughter and it changed my point of view on the princesses and pink culture and all that... But I never really thought about how boys fit in to any of that.  It seemed like a problem for parents of girls.

Well, I've been the mom of a boy for one year.  I watch him pick up and rock his sisters' baby dolls, wear their tiaras, and people giving him very "boy" gifts for his birthday... Superhero shirts, tools, cars, blue and red Legos, helicopter, truck, etc.  All amazing gifts... All wonderful and great toys.  But it is interesting.  And I don't  want to get into a whole toy thing here about how we instill this gender stuff subtly feom birth, that's a post for another time, and frankly, Cinderella Ate My Daughter is really a must read for all parents and covers all of that.

What I want to note, is that... (And we will see how I feel I. 5,10,15 years) it seems to me that fostering feminine qualities in my boy s more important than anything else I can do in relation to this issue. At least we are mostly aware of what girls have to face, and for the most part we allow them to be emotional beings (tho that being a negative label is another matter).  But boys?  We need to encourage them to pick up dolls if they are interested... To cry and let out their feelings... To hug and kiss and cry if they fall down and get hurt.  To run to mommy for a hug.  To ask a friend how they are feeling.  When they are babies, 5 years old... 30 years old... 90 years old!  Being vulnerable isn't something they should outgrow.

I don't know... But the fact that most shootings seem to be young white men, or even in a best case scenario, many men seem to reserve all emotion for sports (no wonder they put so much stock into sports, it's the only area they are allowed to have feelings)... This is disturbing.

I hope so much that I can nurture my son into a kind, sensitive, compassionate man.  His daddy is all of those things, so I'm hopeful. :)

But I think one of the tricks is... We need to keep encouraging the healthy expression of feelings and interests into adulthood.  Erase the phrase  "man up!".  Erase the idea that boys do certain activities or shouldn't do art, dance, etc.  My husband grew up doing sports and hated every minute even though he was good at them.  He felt anxiety heading to games and hated the feeling of competition... Even when he won.  He should have felt like he could share that and choose something else to practice.  

Human beings need to have and show love and compassion no matter the age or gender.

Guilt

Every night after my kids (6, 4, and 1) are asleep I feel guilty for not being more patient or doing more of what they wanted to do with me, etc. But then, often, 30 mins into the next day I already feel frustrated! I appreciate moms who share this kind of truth (if it's true for them) --- it helps just to know other moms are thinking the same thoughts sometimes!

Sometimes I feel like it's hard to blend the roles--- like you can't effectively be the wedding planner AND be a guest!

Parenthood is like High School

I don't even want to waste time with an intro... here we go...
By the way, this REALLY made me think about the 16 year old in my junior year math class who was pregnant.  I cannot imagine how isolated she must have felt.

• In the moment, the day-to-day often evokes tears
• You look back years later and have all the right things to say or do
• Mean girls
• Competition
• Some teachers are awesome, some are awful, but mostly the ones the help the most are just authentic
• You're up all hours of the night... sometimes with your shirt off.
• You start figuring out who you are.
• You have to figure out which clubs you belong in.
• You think you're fat
• You feel you're undervalued
• By the time you're a senior, there is a huge gap between you & a freshman
• There's an invisible line between you & your friends that haven't had sex yet... and now the line is between you and your friends that don't have kids yet
• You get rewarded at the end of 4 years if you do a good job... oh, wait.

Add your own in the comments!

Puberty, second round

How new motherhood is like puberty...

• Your hair is just WEIRD
• Your body is growing in strange places
• It's awkward making new friends
• More is expected of you just when you're at your most insecure
• It's easy to get caught up in doing what the the girls are doing
• It's easy to feel like there's only ONE right way to be
• You think about your body way too much
• You want treats all the time
• A best friend in the same boat is a lifesaver

2nd grade= no more cute?

I just got this email from Scholastic 
How do I have an (almost) 2nd grader! 2nd grade feels like... not cute. K and 1st still sound cute. It sounds serious!

I think I'm finally ready for yoga

I always just thought I didn't have patience for such a long, slow class.

Well... That was true... But I think it was more about having so much noise in my head I couldn't bear being in an environment so unlike what was haplening in my body and mind. 

Now, I suddenly feel it woukd be a great retreat.

Make mistakes

People say this a lot, but it isn't often rewarded.

I really hope my kids aren't too afraid to make mistakes.  The sooner you dive in, the quicker you get life lessons under your belt.

Sort of in the same vein... I wish someone had said to me, "you don't have to pick one thing... Do a lot of things!"  I really felt pressure to do one thing really well.  That just isn't how I'm built.  I do lots if things fairly well.. And I'm happier doing a few different things.

It took me years to figure it out.  After staying home with my babies (still doing this) and pinching pennies, I have done so many things do it yourself that I've learned all humans can do a lot of stuff well... We are just sort of conditioned now that we need an expert for everything. Not so.  Try... Make a mistake.  Try again.  Who cares?

"I like you, Me!"

Originally posted- Saturday, June 5, 2010

"I like you, Me!"

Several years ago, when my husband and I were engaged, he caught me doing something in the bathroom that embarrassed me... I was standing in front of the mirror, smiling at myself, and saying in a cheery 5 year old's voice, "I like you, me!" It was a great moment, though. I realized---even with my then fiance, I wasn't comfortable fully embracing myself. I liked the idea of it--and people might have used the word "brazen" to describe me, but, in truth, I care what people think.
My friend Liz started a blog, and listening to her inspired me to start my own. My husband writes one, several friends of mine have one... we'll see what I discover by blogging. Hopefully, my glee at being able to look at myself in the mirror and declare my "like" for what I see will only grow.
(Picture taken during our engagement.)

Old friends, new roles

Originally posted: Sunday, June 6, 2010

Old friends, new roles

One of my closest friends in the world is getting married in less than 3 weeks. I am his Best Man. (He was my Man of Honor almost 6 years ago.) I've sat down to write the Best Man's toast about a dozen times and can't figure a way to fuse all these different things I want to say. I've been reading articles and books on marriage, and it just makes me want to read more about it, not write more about it.
I got married the month before my 25th birthday. For my generation-- especially if you're a college graduate, and especially if you're an actor (actors don't usually accept one permanent job fresh out of college)--that is pretty young to get married. I was engaged a year after I graduated college--- and I didn't meet my husband until 3 months before that. Here I am, almost 6 years married, and one of my close friends is FINALLY getting married. I have waited for this. Not because I think everyone should get married. Not because I don't want to be the 'only one'. Because I have had trouble keeping the same kind of connection to these friends since the day I accepted Seth's proposal. More so once we actually got married, after buying a house, and much, much more so after having children. Now, this is a guess, but I don't think they feel it as much. I think they feel pretty much the same closeness to me, minus the regular fading time and distance take. But, try talking about your sex life to your single girlfriend who hasn't been with the same man more than a year or two and it just... turns into explaining and justifying instead of mutual understanding---through no one's fault which makes it even sadder (for me). Or tell your friend how tough it is to get up with a newborn and nurse her and then your preschooler wakes up, and he mentions having to get up to walk the dog. Or listen to anyone without kids talk about how busy they are and try not to laugh. Or try telling your gay friend (right now, the closest to my situation with a longtime partner and a mortgage) sometimes your 3 years old makes you so mad you want to smack her... again-- not the same as telling another mom who has been there 1000 times over.
But, another mom, or another wife isn't who I want. I want these people. These friends I chose when I was just me. I didn't choose them to be in my life because our kids are the same age. Or because our husbands get along, or because we are neighbors. I chose them because we connected when we were just ourselves. And not even! We met at 18, 19 years old. That makes it even better--- we grew with each other. I want them growing with me still---and we are---but there are so many choices, it's impossible to all grow down the same path, especially at the same time.
Before I was a mother, I HATED hearing people tell me, "You aren''t busy till you have kids... Wait till you have kids, then you'll know..., etc." I vowed not to be the person who thinks those thoughts and to remember how condescending I thought that was and rude. So, I mainly keep my mouth shut. But the awful truth is--- I still think it!
I think, "I'm glad you love your cat/dog/fish, etc., but you can leave him at home for 10 hours and go out without getting arrested!"
The great thing is--and what I need to remember more often--- that we all still talk. Still love each other. Still care anough to ask, listen, and be there. Enough to meet in the middle of the Smoky Mountains and have Thanksgiving together this year. I think that's a pretty rare record. Most moms I know drift out of friendships with single friends by the one year old mark.
Zoe turns 3 next month and she's a flower girl in my friend's wedding. She knows all of them as her uncles and aunts. I know the name of the guy (and the juicy details) my girlfriend went on a date with Friday night (and he sounds like a winner!), and even though it sounds like the weirdest thing in the world, this mother of two still had fun planning a Bachelor Party just last week.
Am I sad not one of these three people whom I call my best friends is having children when I am having children? Yes--it's hard. Being a mother is my favorite thing I've ever done and I want to share it with these friends who know me best. Not getting to share it (as in-- raising children at the same time) at times makes me feel isolated from them.

But... the blessing is... we don't need that to connect us. We're connected.

And anyway, I can talk potty training and vaginal lacerations with the other moms.

Family

Originally posted- Monday, June 7, 2010

Family

Of course everyone has family drama of some sort or another. I once heard a statistic that 80% of families are dysfunctional. In fact, when I hear someone's 'poor me' story about their childhood, I'm kinda like, "Yeah... and?" I agree that at least 80% could put a crappy spin on our childhoods.
For instance-- I had a wonderful childhood. My mother was always employed, I was clothed, fed, my mom talked to me about my feelings, and made sure I could read before Kindergarten, told me she loves me at least three times a day and came to all of my Drama Club events.
Or--- I could say this: I grew up without a father and my biological dad probably didn't even believe my mom that he was my father. I met him once when I was 16, and when I did he mentioned my boobs. (Gross.) I have 4 half brothers that have no idea I exist. My mom married for the first time when I was 3, and when it didn't work out and I lost two people I had known as sisters at the time. My mom married again when I was 12 and I loved him, and he died of cancer less than two years later, again losing my 7 year old stepbrother because his grandparents contested the will vowing 'no grandson of theirs would be raised by a Jewish woman'. My mom married again when I was 20--to a man who is my polar opposite---and from that day our closeness faded with each year.
As Jack Canfield says, "That's just, 'So what? The question is, what are you going to do now?"
And that is the real question. (For me.)
In creating my own family, I thought all of these issues would evaporate. Nope. They seem even more pressing. And I thought I'd find peace in creating a family to function the way I think (my husband and I think, actually) it should function. Nope. Now I just find myself wanting my extended family to agree with me. But, why should they? I don't agree with them. And isn't it pretty much true (though it sounds un-advanced to say) people don't really change after a certain point? I'm going to go ahead and state this: People don't change after about 25 years old. Maybe they grow, or learn new things... but in truth-- I am still the same person I was when I was six years old.
So, to sum up the point of this post (and because my almost-3 year old is screaming her head off upstairs)... I guess I just have to make peace with what is largely out of my control. I will never change my mother, or extended family. I can share my feelings and ideas, but ultimately, I have to be okay with just knowing I agree with my choices. Tough, because even though I am a grown-up and can look at my mother and see the flaws and the places lacking insight... she's my mother... and a little piece of me will always need her to approve and applaud. And because, I think about how I feel and want to do everything I can to keep the silent distance from growing between me and my daughters.
We say we don't want to turn into our parents and we laugh... but I think we laugh to keep the true fear of it at bay. Because it's not that we don't want to turn into our parents... it's that we just don't want to turn into whatever part made us sad.

To sleep, or accomplish?

Originally posted-Wednesday, June 9, 2010

To sleep, or accomplish?

My basic nighttime routine has now become this: 'last' feeding at 11pm, then "do things" (shower, laundry, snack, prepare bags for Stroller Strides/outing for the morning, email, pay bills, etc.) till 1:30am. Then wake up (not by choice for all of you childfree readers) between 6-7am.
This is not... ideal. I was going to say 'smart', but it would be equally dumb to not pay bills and not shower as it is to live on 5 hours of sleep on a consistent basis. And 5 hours of light sleep at that, as many moms can attest. One rogue snore from one of my daughters and my eyes are open. Even just moving an arm can wake me, I swear. "What was that!!?? Is Zoe suffocating in her sheets?!"
I guess this is the mark of a caring mom, so I should feel reassured.
But mostly... I just feel tired.

Peacemaker or Pushover?

Originally posted: Thursday, June 10, 2010

Peacemaker or Pushover?

"We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." This is a quote from author and Holocaust survivor Elie Wielsel. It is one of my favorite quotes. It states something so simple that it's often not obvious.
I realize it's a bold quote for my subject today--and it doesn't quite fit exactly, but it is ringing in my head.
In my extended family (my immediate family of origin is just my mother and me) the general rule to live by is "peace at any cost". This was my grandmother's feeling. The idea of peace at any cost makes me cringe. It's also a fallacy. Basically it says "peace on the outside is more important than peace on the inside".
I want to write at length, but I also want to hold my new daughter and watch her sleep, and get a load of laundry done, so I'll make it quick...
Is it healthy to give someone else peace at the cost of your own?
Is it healthy to bend to someone else's wish if it brings them joy---but brings you strife or stress?
Where is the line? Does it depend on just how much strife it gives you?
I am struggling with this... I don't want to be the bad guy--- the one who is unwilling to bend and labeled the asshole. But... I also feel I've come to a point where I am unwilling to bend and then live with the yucky feeling that comes with it.
Every year I get older I think I'll be closer to not caring what people think. I don't think I am even close to that place!
I realize I've been vague, but if you have thoughts on the subject, let 'em out...

Can both things be true?

Originally posted: Sunday, June 13, 2010

Can both things be true?

I just read an article in July's O Magazine by Martha Beck. It's about two things being true at once--two opposing things. Like--- can a guy be a player, but also The One, etc. I read this thinking about my mom. My mom is wonderful. She loves her granddaughters, lavishes them with attention and gifts and hugs. She is also a huge source of stress for me, often living in a fantasy which I waver between participating in (to make her happy) and denouncing (when it gets to be too much). Can she be both things at once? Yes.
My mother is from the generation (and particular family) that feels it's best to just sweep things under the rug and paste on a happy facade. When I get the nerve up to refuse this from time to time, I am The Problem.
I am at a crossroads-- well, truthfully I have been here for years stalling--- but I think I am at the edge of finally picking a road. I know which way I'm going to go, but it's not easy. It's not easy to go against someone you love. It's not easy, even when you know living authentically and wholly depends on it.
When I hear stories of abused people (just making a connection here), I never understand why it is so hard for them to accuse their tormentor... don't they know it's obvious to the world who is wrong? But, I get it. No situation is just one thing.
Both things can be true.
Finding your own boundaries in the mess--- so you can live your best life--- is the hard part.

Ahhhhhhh!

Originally posted: June 2010

Ahhhhhhh!

Sometimes---okay--often--- these days I get really upset with Zoe--- my oldest who turns 3 in 3 weeks.
She does a LOT of hitting of her new sister and is in time out at least once every 2 hours. Teagan is so little and sweet that I am rarely frustrated with her---she isn't colicky or very demanding at all (in my opinion).
So... this highlights Zoe's crazed ways. She has plenty of good traits, too, but she also: tears around the house--- takes out all her toys at once, squeezes and hits her sister, screams "NO!" to her parents, gets immediately frustrated when something doesn't work, screams loudly for no reason, is bossy, is rude, won't stay in bed at night, and doesn't listen.
I love her to pieces and she's my girl--but... I can see that this little window into the future. Is Teagan's birth the turning point in our relationship? Am I getting too frustrated when I should be calm and allow her to let it out and then shower her with love even if she doesn't want it?
I am determined to have close, authentic relationships with my girls, but I cannot stand Zoe's behavior and most of our interactions involve conflict these last 2 months. Seth (my husband) says we are too alike. It's true.
So--in moments when she is sleeping and I look at her all quiet and still, I can remember what it was like to be little and not feel heard. Or feel replaced. Or to miss my mom. Or to just have a sad day or moment. I try to remember it for the next time I get angry with her.
Picture: Zoe as a baby

Top 5 ways being a mom is like being President

Originally posted-- Thursday, June 17, 2010

Top 5 ways being a mom is like being President

I just read this hilarious post on someone's blog.
It made me want to do something similar.

Top 5 reasons being a mom is like being President:

5. You're always wondering who to blame.
4. Your power and knowledge mean nothing to your kids.
3. Just making your own decision always fares better than getting the two parties to agree.
2. Every word you ever utter is stored forever in the memory banks to be used against you later.
1. Labor Day is no picnic.

Add yours!

Friends (again)

Originally posted July 2010

Friends (again)

Zoe turns 3 in 48 minutes. Wow. I remember her 1st birthday at the park with 6 friends and their parents. Last year, we'd only lived here 1 month and just had family over. This year, Zoe has 4 friends coming-- that's special.
Today I went to a birthday party for Zoe's friend, Norah. Norah's mom had her college friends and their kids there. I was envious. I am a little yearn-y for friends with these requirements:
1. Proximity
2. Children similar age as mine
3. Value similar things/ideas
4. Able to be (and be loved for) completely myself
Maybe it's just around the corner. I know the fact that Seth and I have moved several times in 7 years hasn't helped. I know feeling a disconnect from my family magnifies the situation.
I love my kids and husband so much I just want to share them.
My sister moved about 7 years ago and she and her husband have made such a great circle there, I admire her. I'll report back in 6 years with a status report. :)

Life Coach Goddess

Originally posted- Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Life Coach Goddess

Part 1. So, I went to a therapist yesterday to talk about my
long-standing
issue of my stepdad, and directly related to that, my mother. It's been 8 years since I talked to a therapist and I was really looking forward to it. Well... this woman was ridiculous. I don't want to waste time recanting the 45 minute session, but her closing statement went something like, "Basically, your best bet is just to let it go pretend everything is fine around your mom." Okaaaaaay. Aaaand, you're done.

Part 2. I call a friend. She hooks me up with her old life coach. Brilliance! For the first time in 10 years I feel like I have some tools to deal with events as they arise. I feel validated. I feel strong enough to stand in my own power (please let this last)! I feel I can drop my guilt. I feel like I can trust my gut again instead of allowing guilt I feel from my mother let me color my instincts. I mean, I am just amazed at how good I feel. This has been a drain on me for 10 years--more so in the last year than ever before. Why is it so easy to doubt what you know is true? Is it because other people reflect back different things? I am not sure, but this life coach---let's call her Joy since she brought a little my way--- reminded me of the simplest most important rule: Trust your gut. How can it be so easy to forget that? Isn't it amazing how sometimes a little nudge is all you need to turn a huge corner? I feel so grateful. Gut... I'm listening, lil' guy. :)

Stillness

Originally posted: Friday, July 16, 2010

Stillness

I don't know how to be still.
I don't have much "free time", but when I find an amazing moment where both girls are sleeping and my husband is busy... I have no idea what to do. Sleep seems like a waste of that time, and cleaning seems sad. Ashamedly, I turn the TV on more than I should. I do a fairly good job of turning it off if nothing good is on, but "good" has recently expanded to TMZ, so... I don't have great standards. (To be fair, I don't have cable and nursing gets me hooked on shows I would otherwise never watch.)
I caught half of an Oprah show a few weeks ago about the book "Women, Food and God" (again, while nursing). While I was watching, a little voice kept nagging at me, "You're afriad to be still."
I know it's true. I am.
I have done it so little in the last several years, that I am actually afraid of stillness. It's not what many moms describe---feeling guilty for taking a moment for myself--believe me, I grab moments even when I shouldn't, sending my 3 year old to the playroom to watch a TV show while I read email and pay bills---or sticking my baby in the swing so I can get a much deserved snack when I am starving. I'm no martyr.
This is different. A fear of being quiet, Doing nothing.
Even now, I am typing about doing nothing instead of just doing nothing.
I did an experiment before this--- I realized I'd have at least 15 free minutes and decided to try to be still just for 5 of them. After 1 minute I couldn't believe 10 minutes hadn't passed.
Why can't I be still and sit and listen? Am I afraid of what I'll hear?
I am not sure. But, my plan is to try again. This time, 2 minutes of stillness.
Maybe by the time I'm dead I'll have learned to be still. It should come in handy then.

Disappointed

Originally posted in 2010

Disappointed

I am never sure how much to reveal on this blog. I want to write honestly and openly, because, frankly, it's more interesting and I love when I read someone I really relate to. At the same time, I might not be ready to say these things out loud, you know? If the people I write about read this, I might not be ready for that. Oh, well.
I am disappointed.
I have fun going above and beyond for people sometimes. I just made my father-in-law 24 greeting cards made of different pictures of his grandchildren, then I fashioned him a stationery box to keep them in. I did it because the last 3 birthdays in the house we got the same notepaper. I thought it would be perfect. I will be mailing this tomorrow. Will he even use them? I don't know. I am really proud of them. I did a similar thing and sent it to a friend 2 weeks ago and as far as I know, the box hasn't even been opened. Haven't head either way.
The thing is, I get so excited. I get an idea, and unlike many of us who let the idea slip past, I want to do something IMMEDIATELY.
When we were planning PJ's Bachelor Party, I commented how confusing it was to plan that and a 3 year old's birthday party simultaneously--- PJ was likely to get a Cupcake Decorating Bachelor Party. Matt, a friend and groomsman, remarked that that actually sounded fun. So, after Zoe's party, I sent him a little cupcake decorating kit with 4 cupcakes. They were so appreciated! It made me feel so good!
Or birthdays... none of my friends remembered Zoe's birthday. I know they don't have kids, but... she has an email address-- I have a Facebook where I posted it and other random people said it to her--, she is my love, my daughter--they are my close friends. You bet your ass my kids will be sending theirs birthday cards if they ever procreate. (At least the first few years when it's really emotional for the parents.)
My mother--who instilled the very "say thank you!" thing in me, never says it to me or my husband. He cleans up after her when she visits, or I make us a meal or help her with something... nothin'.
But... the point of giving isn't to be thanked. I know that. But, I guess I can't detach from it yet. It feels crappy to give and then... silence.

Happiness

Originally posted: Sunday, July 25, 2010

Happiness

"I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then."-Clarissa from The Hours
I remember this quote a lot. I read this book when I was 23 and it really stuck with me. I always assumed "Happiness" was a thing you achieved. You get to it, and then you're there. You've achieved happiness. Whoohooo, yay! Check "happiness" of the "to-do" list!
Nope.
It comes and goes. Appears for minutes, sometimes for long stretches, then disappears again until you least expect it.
I remember having this epiphany and being incredibly depressed. Then, later, realizing... well... if you "achieve" happiness, then what? Here goes another quote: "Ah, if life were made of moments... even now and then a bad one. But if life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one."- Baker's Wife from Into the Woods
So. I am thinking about this today because I am now skeptical when I feel incredibly happy. Perhaps waiting for the other shoe to drop, or perhaps listing reasons not be too excited... whatever. Shame on me. Happiness comes in moments, and I should bask in them for that moment, even if the other shoe is plummeting down, about to knock me in the head, why not embrace the joy before it clocks me? Why not be happy today, even if I have to admit I was foolish for embracing it tomorrow. Afterall, as my favorite Emerson quote reads: "Speak what you think today in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today."

Gut instinct

Originally posted- Monday, July 26, 2010

Gut instinct

If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way. - Bertrand Russell

Seriously--weigh in on this one.
What do you do if your gut tells you one thing, but many people tell you another?
That SO undermines my instincts, I hate it.
It is hard for me to go against people I love-- especially when it's "people" and not "person".
At what point do you stop justifying and start listening to yourself?
At what point do you forsake being polite in favor of self-preservation?

(Wouldn't) Trademark(s)

Originally posted: Sunday, August 1, 2010

(Wouldn't) Trademark(s)

Zoe: What are these?

Mommy: These are my stretch marks. You and Teagan made them.

Zoe: Which ones did I make?

Mommy: Mostly these ones below my belly button and Teagan mostly made the ones on top.

Zoe: (touching) I made these?

Mommy: Yep. What do you think of them?

Zoe: They're good!

Nursery Loves Company

Originally posted: Sunday, September 5, 2010

Nursery Loves Company

I dropped my oldest daughter off at school the other day, and settled into the passenger seat of my minivan for a nursing session with my youngest daughter. I had 20 minutes until I had to be at the park to teach Stroller Strides and I was determined to relax and fill her belly with milk.
I am always a bit anxious when I nurse in the car. If I park in a clandestine spot, will people think I'm up to no good? People hanging out in their cars is always odd. If I park in a out-in-open spot, I have to worry about people walking past and giving half a wave before scurrying off once they see partial boob.
So, as I settled in to nurse in my car for the first time in the parking lot of Zoe's new school, I was hoping no one would judge me--- either for what they saw me doing, or for what they guessed.
Then, I looked over, and in the minivan next to me, in the driver's seat... a mom nursing her baby.
We didn't acknowledge each other-- I think we just happened to notice each other at different times.
But I could feel the motherlove. :)

Being a mother

Originally posted: Saturday, October 23, 2010

Being a mother

I know there are so many who grow up without a mother, and that isn't me. I really had a great mother growing up. It's when I turned 20 I started to lose her.

In talking with a life coach, I have come to realize that letting go of what you'd hoped for and assumed (having an adult relationship with my mother, my children having a meaningful relationship with her) is grief work. These are still things untalked about commonly and not usually validated. But, it makes sense. Gone is the mother I knew and loved. Or, if not gone, buried by her husband, which might be worse. I have a hard time not feeling 'less than' that her love for me wasn't enough for her to feel protective of me or our relationship.

I love my girls to the bone. Yes, I lose my temper, get annoyed, etc--- but dare anyone else hurt them physically, emotionally, mentally and a rage of protectiveness rises in me like nobody's business. Perhaps that will fade, but disappear? I am 99.9% certain it will not. I am their mother and no person on earth could make me give up on them or flush our relationship.

I feel sad, but sadder still that the last years make me feel like I don't want to see her anymore. I hope that feeling or the circumstances, or both-- changes.

I hate breastfeeding

Originally posted-Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I hate breastfeeding

First of all let me say I am a proud breastfeeding mom. I nursed my first daughter 13 months and I am headed into the 9th month with my second daughter and will wean her at 12-13 months.

Let me also say I am writing this not to---but FOR--- all of the moms (or future moms) out there who have said, "Ugh, I just couldn't do it."

Every night while I do the last nursing of the night, I think about how I want to go write about how I feel when I am nursing, but then I de-latch her, rock her, kiss her tiny face, put her in her crib, sing her sleepy face a song, and I decide it's not so bad. But-- as I left her nursery (pun intended) tonight, I promised myself this night I WOULD write it down. I had to tell myself that hating breastfeeding doesn't mean not loving Teagan (or Zoe circa 2007-8).

When I was 5 months pregnant (before I got educated on the subject), I decided to breastfeed for two reasons alone:
1. It's free. (Formula can cost anywhere from $100-$600 per month)
2. I'd heard most women's breasts shrink to smaller than before pregnancy. I was a DD and hoping for a free breast reduction.

(Well, #1 was right on and awesome. #2... not so much. I went from a DD cup pre-pregnancy... to a DDD, to a G, to an H nursing #1, back to a G after weaning and much exercise, back to an H pregnant with #2, to where I reside now... a J cup nursing #2. I hate it. My back hurts all the time and anything besides a turtleneck shows cleavage. It's ridiculous.)

But--- I was determined to nurse. After reading all of the benefits (lower allergy and asthma rates, lower cancer rates for mom and baby, higher IQs, less sickness, lower incidence of SIDs and diabetes, decreased osteoporosis for mom, lower medical expenses, better for the environment, on and on... but this isn't what today's blog is about) it was an easy decision. Plus, my husband was ALL for it, and your husband's support- I learned from my lactation consultant- can mean up to 90% of why you succeed or fail.

Today's blog is about how I hate breastfeeding. How pretty much for the collective 22 months I've put into breastfeeding, I have waited for the next feeding time with anxiety. How I don't like how it feels, I don't like how long it takes, I resent that I can't just cuddle my baby-- she'll want to nurse. And with J cup breasts, it's not a cozy feeding for me-- one hand holds her neck above and the other holds my breast like a pancake so it doesn't block her nose and she can breathe. And both girls are LONG feeders. Even at 8 months I have to pull her off after 30 minutes. They'd never be done! I HATE IT. Someone out there might say, "Have you never enjoyed a feeding?" Nope, I would say I have never enjoyed a feeding. I would say, at best, I have gotten to a place of contentment many times. A handful of times I've fallen asleep, but it takes a lot for that because the sensation does not lull me to sleep despite the hormones that are released.

My point is this (besides "getting it off my chest"):
I don't think I'm the norm among breastfeeding moms, but I wanted to put this out there because I feel like non-breastfeeding moms look at breastfeeding moms as these women who "can" do it--it's easy for them or they enjoy it.

Well, let me just state for the record, I do NOT enjoy it. But I've done it for 22 months. Giving my girls formula to me felt like living on an organic vegetable farm but going to Walmart for canned peas. It's their milk. And it's one year of their life and they get this huge leg up-- how could I pass on that despite my "un-enjoyment"?

I do understand there ARE women who aren't able to breastfeed--and even if they are, it's just not the right choice for them, and I really do respect that. Being a mom is hard enough, you've got to do what works for your family.

I just feel like the only nursing mom who feels this way, so I wanted to put this out there.

So far-- if all goes according to plan-- I have 16 more months to go, which means I am only a little over halfway through my breastfeeding 'sentence'.

I am grateful that I am able to do this-- heck--even 2 months ago, my older one got pinkeye and I cured it by injecting my breast milk in her eye for 3 days! This stuff really is magic. Stuff like that keeps me going.

I just can't help feeling if more of the moms who "couldn't do it" DID do it, I'd have more people to complain with! ;)