Tough Shi(f)t

Parenthood is hard.  It's an 18+ year shift.  What!?

I had a couple thoughts chatting with my two closest friends-- both are mamas of one, both their kids are 1 year old.
When I think of these things that I've learned over the last 7 years-- without realizing I'd learned them-- I'm compelled to write them down because I am sure I'll forget by the time I'm a grandmother.  All the older women I know seem to only remember the cute stuff... I hope I can keep this stuff alive enough to relate to my own kids when they are parents and not be dismissive like so many older parents I hear telling me "these are the best years".

1.  You get better (or at least more efficient) with time.  Remember the first time you did your own hair?  That ponytail probably had 18 "bumps" even though you likely brushed it for 20 minutes up into the gathered spot.  Now you can throw up a good looking ponytail in about 17 seconds.  That's Parenthood-- every year you smooth out the bumps and get even faster at what used to take half a day.  It HAS to work that way, otherwise how would you survive adding more kids, plus taking care of a house, meals, school, etc?  It really would amaze you to jump forward and back in time and see your abilities then vs. now.  It's why I loved the book What Alice Forgot-- she wakes up with amnesia and can't remember the last 10 years... she has a 10 yr old but thinks she is pregnant for the first time-- she knows nothing at all about parenting-- it's really interesting watching her see what her life has become.

2.  Don't make your kids' lives too comfortable.  I didn't really embrace this til two years ago, when I read a book for book club called The Blessing of a Skinned Knee.  From the description: "[helps parents to] accept that their children are both ordinary and unique, and treasure the power and holiness of the present moment. "  When a child gets a bad teacher-- the best choice is not to switch classes.  Children learn as much from that experience as anything else.  Making things easier and better for them throughout childhood won't serve them after the age of 18 when they will deal with all kinds of situations and people.  Sheltering them (in my opinion) is counter-productive.  Obviously, there are cases where something is past the point of "bad", but for the most part, we should allow them the full range of experiences-- not just the good ones, the comfortable ones.  The other side of this is embracing their ordinariness, not putting the pressure on to be "special".  I read somewhere that most parents would rather their child was either gifted, or has a learning disorder to explain why they are not gifted--- most parents refuse to embrace "average"---it isn't a bad word, and it puts undue pressure on kids to expect them to be extraordinary.  Again-- this is just stuff I read that makes sense to me, it clicked for me.

3.   Zoom out.  Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed... like really overwhelmed... I have these two scenarios I imagine.  First, that movie Open Water (which scared the crap out of me)... if I was suddenly in the middle of the ocean with sharks circling-- how joyous would I feel to have these daily problems?  I'd trade spots in a heart beat.  Second, I imagine myself "zooming out", floating out in space, looking down at the Earth... it just makes everything seem so tiny and a messy house seems like such a non-problem when you see the universe stretched out in front of you and the year 2014 even seems like a joke.... a speck of sand in the history of the world.  Which of my choices will impact the world?  Let me focus on the big picture.

Emily's Aioli Pasta

Okay, this really isn't technically aioli,  but it's close and I needed to have a name for it when my kids asked at dinner tonight.  I initially said, "I don't know, I just invented it". That wouldn't suffice.  So, for now... aioli pasta.

You need:

As much basil as you can pick, or to taste

Wedge of parmesan 

1 close garlic

Olive oil

Just Mayo

Kalamata olives

Avocado

Peppercorns, crushed

Ziti

Aioli sauce-In bowl, whisk together 3 tbsp olive oil, 1 scoop of Just Mayo, 3 tbsp water, 1 pressed garlic clove, 4 basil leave chiffonaded, pepper to taste, I used about 1/2 tsp

Boil pasta. Drain

Serve pasta, spoon a small amount of the sauce on top

Top with olives, more basil, peels of parmesan, avocado

Eat

yUM

End result:

Finding myself

I am starting to realize that, in some ways, the more I realize who I am and what my values are, what I stand for.... the smaller my circle gets of people I truly feel close to.

It's worth the trade off because I think the alternative is stunted growth and enlightenment.

A kind of make believe.  I guess at a certain point we all either choose to show who we are, or to conceal it.

Being uncomfortable

It's almost 1am, so I'm doing to try to say this succinctly...

Today it struck me that I am not often uncomfortable.  Stressed?  Yes.  Tired?  Yes.  Overwhelemed?  Yes.

But not uncomfortable.

In college, I was uncomfortable almost every day.  Whether it was another dance class for my major (dance was my weaker area), constantly trying to overcome my status, or type-casting... boys I pined for being interested in friends of mine, but not me, fulfilling requirements that didn't come easily for my major... and then when I moved to NYC... living alone for the first time, figuring out the subway by myself, all my friends having jobs, and me, alone with little money to truly explore and auditioning (which I hate), temping at sad jobs, feeling lost, not knowing what would be next week to week.

While all those things were TOUGH... they kept me fresh, they kept me on my toes, and kept me trying to figure things out... who I was, what my views were, what I wanted, my values, my strengths, my weaknesses.

I'm (mostly) good at being a wife, good at being a mom... I'm not so uncomfortable these days.  My daily challenges might be frustrating-- and they are building me into a stronger, wiser woman.  But-- today, in the midst of an upsetting debate... I realized I don't find myself in these situations as much.  Partly I avoid them... but partly the opportunities don't really arise.  Most of me likes this-- I hoped for this-- not to be twisted up at every obstacle as I got older.  That's getting easier.  An upsetting letter from my mother no longer consumes my whole day to the point where everything I planned gets canceled and I can't concentrate.  I can move past it more quickly.

But... I wonder if this is good or bad?  It was healthy for me to navigate all of that and figure out who I am.   I was so uncomfortable today, I wanted to go hide from this debate each time--but I forced myself to stand in it.  I don't want to be one of the adults I loathed becoming as a kid... the one with nothing to contribute... the one you feel 'stuck' talking to... the uninteresting one... the one you feel you know more than- even though you're 20 years younger- because they seemed to never have any experiences... or courage.  The one who slowly lipped into small talk mode... forever.

I am not wishing for discomfort.  I guess I'm just reminding myself to embrace it when it comes-- allow myself to feel uncomfortable, but walk into it, and through it instead of backing away.

One of my dance finals at college, I'm smack in the middle front

Comparative Happiness

Dan Buettner really has some interesting research in his book: 

Thrive: Finding Happiness the Blue Zones Way... 

I read it in 2010 and it really changed my perspective.  My family lives a very minimalist life, especially compared to those we interact with daily-- and it can sometimes be draining to remember that we chose to live this way and it aligns with our values when we see others with new cars, McMansions, taking quarterly vacations, shopping, go out to dinners and lunches, etc.  It's very easy for me to start feeling frustrated by lack of money-- that we have to save money first to fix one of our 13 year old cars, that we don't take vacations, that it's rare for us to get a new item of clothing, or anything over $30 we need to save up for.  Reading this book really put my life into perspective.  I have a happy, healthy family.  We live in a wonderful, cozy home.  I am home with my kids and make my own schedule and do a few things on the side-- on my own time- for extra money.  My husband is home every day before dinner.  I am in a  happy marriage with a person I can share everything with.  We have no car payments and no debt.  My children go to an exceptional school.  We have friends that love us and that we love.  We have a community here that asks after us and that we have very warm feelings about.  All 5 of us spend our work/school hours on the same campus.  It's a GOOD life.  This book is a must read for all twentysomethings--- hopefully before they are swept up in the "norms" of our society. :)

These are a few great quotes from the book--- he found the 4 places on Earth where people are happiest (he goes into how that was determined in the book)-- he studied those places and people it's fascinating and eye-opening.  (I really recommend it, especially if you struggle with comparing your lifestyle/income/career/possessions to other people's).

Dan Buettner quotes from Thrive:

Normally when we think of happiness, we think of money and status, but Denmark teaches us the opposite lesson," he says. "There, you have a place where you are taxed to the mean. A cultural norm reminds everybody that they are no better than everybody else, so you're not going to choose your career path based on status. You're in a place where a garbage man makes as much as a lawyer. So what you have are 4 million people who excel at things like furniture design and architecture.

Buettner argues that relationships are really the key to lifelong happiness, noting that "the happiest people in America socialize about seven hours a day," and mentioning that "you're three times more likely to be happy if you are married ... and each new friend will boost your happiness about 10 percent."

The people you surround yourself with influence your behaviors, so choose friends who have healthy habits.

Select your friendships carefully. Gather people around you who will reinforce your lifestyle.

I know exactly what my values are and what I love to do. That's worth additional years right there. I say no to a lot of stuff that would be easy money but deviates from my meaning of life.

Exercise, from a public health perspective, is an unmitigated failure. The world's longest-lived people live in environments that nudge them into more movement. They don't use power tools, they do their own yard work, they grow a garden.

The secret to longevity, as I see it, has less to do with diet, or even exercise, and more to do with the environment in which a person lives: social and physical. What do I mean by this? They live rewardingly inconvenient lives.

I think we live in a culture that relentlessly pursues comfort. Ease is related to disease. We shouldn't always be fleeing hardship. Hardship also brings people together. We should welcome it.

None of the longest-lived people ran marathons or pumped iron. They live exactly as their grandparents before them - surrounded by family and friends.

We often think about happiness as trying to increase our joy, but it's also about decreasing our worry. So what you get for paying those high taxes is, if you're a parent thinking about putting your child through school, you don't have to worry about it, because all education through college is free.

The name of the game is to keep from pushing the accelerator pedal so hard that we speed up the aging process. The average American, however, by living a fast and furious lifestyle, pushes that accelerator too hard and too much.

I read an article on Comparative Thinking by Wray Herbert today.  

“I wept because I had no Porsche, and then I saw a man who had no BMW.”

That’s an ancient proverb, slightly doctored for modern American sensibilities. The point is that, regardless of our life circumstances, we derive our happiness and our disappointment from comparisons with others’ fortunes. Indeed, the human brain seems to be perversely wired for relative judgments, even when the comparisons sabotage our well-being. -Wray Herbert

Sister love

My girls are 4 and 7 years old.

They spend a LOT if time together.  Summers are 24/7 family time pretty much. This summer they have really amped up the fighting.

But, once in awhile, we get a few nuggets that give us reassurance they'll always be close friends.

And later that night, Zoe (7), was so upset that she hadn't done her required 20 pages if reading and it was going to cut it into movie night..

Mommy: Well, ask Teagan if she'll wait for you.

Zoe: Teagan? Will you stay with me?

Teagan: (beat) Zoe... I'll always stay with you.  I'm your sister.

I literally cried.  

And then Teagan hugged Zoe and Zoe pushed her away.

Ah,well. ;)

The end of my career

Well.. That's it, I think.

The last time I will ever nurse a baby.

I've been ready to completely wean my 3rd child for over a month, but feel so guilty.  Especially since it's my last baby, it's just so surreal to know I'll never breastfeed again.

Don't get me wrong... I'm pretty sure I won't miss the actual breast feeding at all... But I know I will miss the moments right after... Snuggling in, sweet, sleepy faces.  The forced quiet time.  The bubble around me and my child.  Connecting.  Dozing off (both of us).

I've weaned twice before, but how is it I dont really remember the last time?  Well, I do with my first child, she weaned herself.  Two nights in a row  she shook her head, signed "all done" and said "bye bye boobies!"

Well... Tonight was the end of my breast feeding career. Over seven years long start to finish. I had a couple years of reprieve in there, but all in all it adds up to about 4 years.  Plus 3 pregnancies.  

Wow.  

When I weaned my babies the the first two times it didn't feel like I was losing something. Now? It's like today I was the mom of babies ... Tomorrow I have big kids?  It feels strange.  Like I'm on the outskirts of the club.., I'm a breast feeding supporter, but I'm no longer a breast feeding mom.  So strange.  I didn't know a thing about breast feeding 8 years ago... Now I've been through the hellish parts more than once... The sweet parts... The milestones... And I'm done?  I'm done.

I suppose the best thing I can do is share this parting thought... 7 years ago, I was just trying to get to the 6 week mark.  It was awful, it was painful, I felt lost, and stressed, and defeated.  There were so many obstacles. If only I could have flashed exactly 7 years into the future and know I'd put in 4 years and cry when it was over!

I wish I could get a Breastfeeding diploma and hang it on the wall, because that was some serious 4 years. ;). Or have a little pedometer on the clips in my nursing bras to see the logged openings and closings of the "milk bar"!

Tonight I am wishing all the nursing moms out there a little bit o' love.  

Tapped out,

Emily ;)

Three nights before "the last night". I love that he still looks so tiny when he nurses even though he's almost 15 months here.