Being uncomfortable

It's almost 1am, so I'm doing to try to say this succinctly...

Today it struck me that I am not often uncomfortable.  Stressed?  Yes.  Tired?  Yes.  Overwhelemed?  Yes.

But not uncomfortable.

In college, I was uncomfortable almost every day.  Whether it was another dance class for my major (dance was my weaker area), constantly trying to overcome my status, or type-casting... boys I pined for being interested in friends of mine, but not me, fulfilling requirements that didn't come easily for my major... and then when I moved to NYC... living alone for the first time, figuring out the subway by myself, all my friends having jobs, and me, alone with little money to truly explore and auditioning (which I hate), temping at sad jobs, feeling lost, not knowing what would be next week to week.

While all those things were TOUGH... they kept me fresh, they kept me on my toes, and kept me trying to figure things out... who I was, what my views were, what I wanted, my values, my strengths, my weaknesses.

I'm (mostly) good at being a wife, good at being a mom... I'm not so uncomfortable these days.  My daily challenges might be frustrating-- and they are building me into a stronger, wiser woman.  But-- today, in the midst of an upsetting debate... I realized I don't find myself in these situations as much.  Partly I avoid them... but partly the opportunities don't really arise.  Most of me likes this-- I hoped for this-- not to be twisted up at every obstacle as I got older.  That's getting easier.  An upsetting letter from my mother no longer consumes my whole day to the point where everything I planned gets canceled and I can't concentrate.  I can move past it more quickly.

But... I wonder if this is good or bad?  It was healthy for me to navigate all of that and figure out who I am.   I was so uncomfortable today, I wanted to go hide from this debate each time--but I forced myself to stand in it.  I don't want to be one of the adults I loathed becoming as a kid... the one with nothing to contribute... the one you feel 'stuck' talking to... the uninteresting one... the one you feel you know more than- even though you're 20 years younger- because they seemed to never have any experiences... or courage.  The one who slowly lipped into small talk mode... forever.

I am not wishing for discomfort.  I guess I'm just reminding myself to embrace it when it comes-- allow myself to feel uncomfortable, but walk into it, and through it instead of backing away.

One of my dance finals at college, I'm smack in the middle front