Moms and their sons

In general I hate gender stereotypes... but perhaps the one that irks me most is the kid-to-parent gender stereotypes...

Dads:
That little girl will have you wrapped around her finger, Daddy!
She's daddy's little princess!

Moms:
That's boys for ya!
Boys love their mommies!


...and on and on.

I have two older girls... and when we found out the third was a boy (we were shocked) I cannot tell you how many times we each heard these two things:

My husband heard:  Oh!  You must be so happy to finally get your boy!

I heard:  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  It's so different.  Little boys really love their mothers.

We were so offended.  Especially when people said this in front of my oldest who was almost 6.  Um.. she can hear you and she is smart, you idiot adults.

Anyway-- 16 months have gone by since my son was born, and while I hold firm against the stereotyping (my son seems to love Daddy just as much as he loves me)... I think I've figured something out.

I'm not sure if it's the case for other people-- and unless you have one of each gender it may be hard to evaluate--but, for me...

This is my first relationship with a male that began with his very birth.  He is brand new-- I am watching what will be a human man begin from seed.  It's uncomplicated.  It's pure love and growth.

Of course I am also watching my daughters grow, and it's miraculous-- but perhaps I am more focused on righting the wrongs from my childhood with them-- since it's easier to see myself in them.  I was with myself at their ages.  I remember being in 2nd grade like my oldest is now and crying everyday in a new school missing my mom.  Perhaps I am too focused on their experiences and with my son, too focused on his just... existence.

Anyway-- this occurred to me in the shower.  Where most things occur to me-- annoying since I have no pen & paper in there.  ;)  But I can see how some women might want to label that relationship "more special" because of the awe of watching someone of the opposite sex before they really are any gender at all --- that's the real amazing part.

Personally, all three of my kids are so different-- as babies and now.  And since I've seen one too many families of 5 where the youngest seems to get away with everything-- I rally try to remember not to let my son off the hook more than I did with the girls.  The last thing I want to do is raise an entitled, arrogant man.

And it hits me... are those mothers the ones who facilitate the growth of that type of man?

My Daughter Needs Glasses

Difference between 1st kid and 2nd...

When my oldest got the diagnosis that she needed glasses, my 2nd was maybe 6 months old and I was wearing her in the Moby wrap and the (shitty) eye doc said, "Oh, yeah, it's worse than I initially thought, she'll need to wear glasses all the time."...

and I couldn't help it, my voice got all cracky and I was fully crying trying to ask him questions while simultaneously trying not to wake the baby and wipe up my snot.

I was upset-- I thought "I breastfed, she's supposed to be immune from everything!"

I felt so upset and I couldn't stop crying... and the doc was an ass...

Now, my middle child needs glasses.. I'm like, "Okay, cool! Pick some cool frames that you'll lose in two months and let's get the hell home for nap time, yo."

I seriously remember feeling like a tragedy had happened to me when Zoe needed glasses--- it took me a few hours to realize it wasn't a big deal in the big picture. I think it's just scary when someone tells you something is "wrong" with your child and you didn't even notice a sliver of it.

I've Figured Out My Parenting Style

I was listening to NPR this afternoon, and it hit me-- I finally know my parenting style.

"Louis CK parenting".

Pretty much everything Louis CK has ever said about his philosophy on parenting... I passionately agree.

He said to Terri Gross that when your kids ask you questions "just tell them the truth, don't give them some hocus pocus answer".   He was talking about what a big deal it is to have sex with someone and that you shouldn't rush into it, but not to give some reason like, "Jesus will be mad"... tell the truth, "Because you'll feel bad.  You'll feel really bad.  It's a big deal, you have to really know the person... and if you treat it like it's NOT a big deal, the big deal-ness of it will come back and confront you, showing you what a big deal it actually is" (this is almost word for word, but not exact.)

This has been my philosophy.  I don't want there to be a day any of my kids stops and realizes I gave them smoke and mirrors because I didn't want to be uncomfortable, or even because I thought they were too young.  There is a way to tell the truth to any kid, any age, I believe.

When she was 5, my daughter asked me where babies come from.  I was pregnant and she was confused how the baby got in there.  I told her the whole shebang... penis goes into vagina, sperm race, whichever sperm wins determines whether it's a girl or boy depending on whether a boy sperm or girl sperm won the race-- that was really the only part she cared about.  She wanted to see it-- so I found a cool video on Baby Center of the sperm racing to the egg.  I explained that she can always ask me anything, but this was something she couldn't share with friends.  Only parents can tell the answers to these questions to their own kids, or we'd both be in trouble.

Two years later, at 7, she asked me "What if a boy really wants to be a girl, or a girl really wants to be a boy?"  I took a moment... and thought about the future-- who know how my three tiny kids will identify.. so I wanted to be honest.  I told her what transgender and gay meant-- better I explain it, is how I felt-- and show compassion around it.  And that it's a tough thing to go through and it's more rare, like being Jewish, etc.  Again, I told her it wasn't something she could share with her friends, like when I told her where babies come from.

"You told me where babies come from?"

Um, Yes!

"Oh.  I don't remember any of that."

So... see?  It's not as big of a deal as you think.  They just want a true answer they can immediately forget.  :)

But, really... I love Louis CK's parenting philosophies...

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

Louis C. K.

Roles have all changed. There’s a lot of fathers who take care of their kids, there’s a lot of mothers who have careers. But in culture, those roles are still the same. When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. A waitress said to my kids the other day, “Isn’t that nice that you’re getting to have a little lunch with your daddy?” And I was insulted by it, because I’m like, I’m f**king taking them to lunch, and then I’m taking them home, and then I’m feeding them and doing their homework with them and putting them to bed. She’s like, Oh, this is special time with daddy. Well, no, this is boring time with daddy, the same as everything. -LCK

You know when you see a mother someplace, like at McDonalds, and she’s melting down on her kid. She’s like, ‘Shut up. I hate you and you’re ugly.’ And people are sitting around and saying, ‘Oh my goodness. She’s a horrible mother.’ Guess what? Those people aren’t f**king parents. They don’t have kids. Because any parents that are in that store are saying, ‘What did that sh*tty kid do to that poor woman?'”  -LCK

“A kid asks [her distraught parent] a question like, ‘Why is the sky blue?’ And her mom is like, ‘Just shut up and eat your french fries.’ And you think, ‘What a terrible mother. Why doesn’t she answer her child? When I have a child I will answer all of their questions. And open their minds to the wonders of the world.’ Well, guess what. You don’t know what the f*ck you’re talking about. You can’t answer a kid’s question. They don’t accept any answer. They’re never like, ‘Oh. Thanks. Now I get it.’ They just keep coming, ‘Why, why, why, why?’ until you don’t even know who the f*ck you are anymore at the end of the conversation. -LCK

It’s hard having kids because it’s boring... It’s just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time.

Cereal for School Lunch!

Cereal for lunch? Yep!

My kids love taking cereal for lunch... This is my trick.

Milk in one of the bottles (filled halfway)  from my breast pump (done pumping, but I kept those bottles!) and one of the little baby food bowls with tight fitting lid.

Works so well!

Kid's Financial Planner

I saw something like this in Pinterest and put my own spin on it.

When my oldest turned 5, we started giving her $2 allowance every Sunday. The only stipulation? She had to remember to ask for it.  She is 7 now and she still only remembers maybe once per month. This aspect is important to me, because I want her to learn to keep track of what she is due on her own, not just be handed money every week.  If she forgets, she is allowed to ask Monday and she will get $1, but after that, she loses the chance to get her allowance that week.

When she does get some money... Whether as a gift or by doing some extra chores, she wants to spend it immediately.  I've tried talking her into saving some and allotting part of it for tzedakah (charity), but she seems compelled to spend it the second she gets it.  Usually on something that's garbage within weeks!

So... Now, she needs to divide the money up.  I give her one dollar bill and 4 quarters... I let her divide it as she sees fit as long as some goes in each if the three pouches:

Tzedakah (charity)

Save

Spend

Save can be defined however you wish.  (Never touch it, save for something for a year, use it for holiday gifts, etc)

There is a little ledger in the spend and save pouches to see where it all goes.  (And to prevent pilfering from siblings!)

We also have a tzedakah box, so the money for that goes directly there.

We are going to do this in Brownies this year to earn the Money Manager badge.

Family Picture Wall

I've always wanted to do this, but couldnt find a template that has as many pics as I wanted.  This is 28 pictures.  The largest one is a 20x30 canvas from Shutterfly.  The rest are all 8x10s and 5x7s with just one 4x6.  I hung the canvas and then mapped out the rest by cutting and hanging construction paper to play with it first, then hung pics over the construction paper and ripped them off from underneath.  All Target frames.

Kids Shoes and Clothes Tip

If you're on a tight budget, here is something you might like....

You can do this anywhere, but Target is my favorite place to save on kids shoes and clothes.  When something is deeply discounted (like flip flops are now), stock up for the future.  Have a bin for each year and throw your "finds" in the appropriate bin. It feels so good to get such a bargain now, and later it'll feel like a little gift! (And save you a shopping trip!)

I keep these bins in my kids closets. My girls are 3 years apart, and my oldest's clothes just pass right down to her sister.  My son is 1 year old...  But if I find a 5T item that is 70% or more off, I grab it.

Our house is 1638 sq ft, no basement, and garage is too hot to store anything... So I try to keep toys and clothes to a minimum so I have room for these bins. In my experience, I've never really needed more than 1 bin per age (I.e. One bin for 3T-4T) etc.  of course, you accumulate more the year they are actually that age, then sort, and whittle bakd down to 1 bin before you put it back into storage for the next kid. :)

You can get the best deals usually at the end of summer, end of winter, and for costumes- right after Halloween.  I got my son a full puffy dinosaur costume for $3.80 when he was 4 months old... I set it aside for the following year!  At Target.com I sometimes scope out shoe sales and since it's free shopping if you have the Target debit card, I try to stock up when a sneaker or other shoes are deeply discounted... Get them in every size... More stock online, etc.  I like to keep a foot measurer at home for this purpose.. Kids feet grow so fast!

Note- I do not get any specialty things... I get things I am 95% sure I'll be able to use.

Flip flops I found today at Target, plus tax free, plus cartwheel... Got each pair for 94 cents... In every size for the next 4-5 years.

Another example, my son is only 1 but I found these for $2.40 each, the hoodie is 18 mos, pants are 5T.

Bins in my kids' closets...

Shoes to grow into