At this time

Note to self...

Don't try to to make your life something it isn't only because of what other lives look like immediately surrounding you.

It would be like skipping around in a book instead of reading the story as it unfolds.

I have 3 young children. I have friends with no kids... With 1 kid just starting the parenting gig... With kids way older than mine.  I can't be on their chapter, I need to be in my chapter.  My chapter has 

Title free time, no nights out, lots of mess, wiping and exhaustion. I can't be bogged down with pressure to be glamorous while simultaneously always having clean laundry or helping with homework, then breezing out for a drinking night out with girlfriends.   For me, it's too much.  I don't have the resources to make that work without feeling burned out.

For many years I tried to hang on things I did before parenthood...not to lose myself..  But, for me anyway... The journey of being pregnant and birthing three PEOPLE was exactly that... A recreation of identity.  I know more now than I did at 27 when I became a mother.  Of course I am different... If I wasn't i would have failed to grow.

I'll embrace this chapter, for, as long as it feels (8 years running so far), I will be in a new chapter soon enough.  No need to rush and try to live two chapters at once.  Let me embrace where I am, what I have, and what life is NOW.  Then I'll see what the next chapter's got for me. ;)

Notes from Facebook

Talking with my friend tonight helped me remember some good tips from the last 7+ years of parenthood... pasting here for future tipping... :)
Would love tocome back sometimes and turn this into a true post-- but for now(and in case that doesn't happen), I don't want to lose the tidbits...

On sleep...

I'd leave a little TINY lamp on, and put a bunch of audio books on an iPod dock ona loop-- and leave her in there

Let her know she DOES not have to sleep--but it is time to be quiet and read or rest

• this week I noticed R. winds down faster if I leave his door wide open-- i tell him, "I promise I'm coming back but I have too__________ (check on Teagan/go pee pee)" I always come back but not til after he is asleep-- I keep the promise and pat him

and R does better if I am upbeat and silly before I go-- not quiet

So, I might eat his toes (though the crib bars) or sneak my hand in to tickle his chin... ask him "What was the most fun today? Playing with Tali? Eating yogurt? Did you play with play doh?" and take him thru the day

• 
  
  

  
  

  i wind him UP a little bit so he doesnt feel like Im pressuring him to sleep and then I show I'll be back real quick (I am back, just not too quick) and I make it a point to come back before he is asleep at least twice a week---another thing that worked with Zoe--- I'd put all her laundry away but not engage her-- so I was in the room, singing to myself but just doing tasks
• 
  

On kids and blogging:

I went to a Parent Connect this morning on the kids' blogfolios in the school (every kid has their own blog and the idea is to make a "portfolio" of work from K-8 that they take to high school-- it helps getting into magnet schools that are top rated etc)

they talked about how if you can't read email, navigate the internet, etc-- you are Illiterate

the definition of Literacy changes with technology

just reading words on a page isnt sufficient to be literate--- which means you can't be a good communicator-- which is the basis of all education

she was saying how getting family and friends to comment (quality comment-- which is another cool thing, every student creates a Comment Guidelines outlining their requirements for comments-- it's all part of learning to be a Digital Citizen) motivates them to write and create

but I like that they dont just pretend the internet is a separate thing-- they TEACH them "Digital Citizenship"... making them literate

it was really a good talk

and she (4th/5th grade Language Arts teacher, see her blog here) gave some examples of why writing on their blogs is wonderful-- they cite things by hyperlinking them (versus a footnote) making it more credible-- and people can comment, so they know it isnt a paper that ends up in the trash-- but that people might respond to it and share their perspective which opens their learning-- AND-- makes them WANT to write more. It also helps them find THEIR voice.

Like most comments are "Good job!" or "That's awesome" which is useless... the idea is for the writer to see their work ina new way which makes the full circle of everyone gaining something new

and she also said "Connect Don't Correct"

so-- don't use a comment to correct someone's errors-- the reason you are there is to make a connection and correcting will come with time

anyway-- I just share this stuff because it's so interesting and I feel like I stored away nuggets when Zoe was tiny and remember them and it just kind of plants a seed for one little facet of parenthood-- it helps!

And you're little... for a little while

Our 19 month old is waking at all times of night and NOT going back to sleep... for hours. It has been frustrating-- and with 3 kids, we need that night time 2 hours so badly to get things done (lunches, dishes, clean ourselves, finish a sentence...) that it feels like such a violation when one of our kids doesn't go to sleep/stay asleep.

We tried letting him watch Sesame Street in the Pack & Play-- lay down with his sisters in their bed, cry for a few minutes in his crib... no dice. He was up... LOUD and up. We finaly left him in the P&P with some Sesame Street (Sleepytime Songs) and tried to at least finish up all the kitchen/lunch stuff. Finally-- we needed to just try to get him back to the crib... at 10pm...

He was all sad and my husband was going rock him down and I was annoyed... and he goes, "He's just a little person, he doesnt know-- he doesnt want to be annoying us"

And then i felt awful and said i'd put him down myself and I'm glad I did-- it was cozy. At one point I was singing along to Renee & Jeremy's It's a Big Big World song, and the end of the chorus is "do doo doo doo, doo do do doo"... and I'd sing the first "doo doo do doo" and whisper "now you"... and he'd quietly smile and say "doo doo doo". It was a moment. I realized how little he is right now... how much he needs me, how sweet and wonderful he is at this age--- how I will miss having the strength to hold his weight for 30 minutes and bounce on an exercise ball.

I was like AHA!... of course they have to annoy you or you'd be a mess all the time wanting them to stay little-- but the waking and such keeps you wanting them to grow

It's JUST enough to make you excited for a new stage.

One of those moments you wait for...

November 11, 2014

I just had a 45 min impromptu convo with the girls in their bed

it was like... the first real convo

not really

but just the LENGTH

they were asking questions about my life

it was so cool... about growing up and who my mom was married to, and if I was sad with just a mom, and then they'd (mainly Zoe) ask deeper questions... then she says "I man, this is kind of a compliment but I don't know if you'll think it is... How could you and Daddy have such horrible homes and grow up to be good people?"

HAHAH!

I said "why do you think our homes were horrible?"

She says, "Well, your houses just sound so... strange and odd... I mean...Pop would wash Daddy's mouth with soap if he said a bad word and his brother shot him in the butt with a bebe gun!... and Grammy didn't cook and you had to make your own lunches and shower yourself and you had a lot of responsibilities when you were pretty little."

I said, "Ha!  I guess that does sound horrible, but it wasn't!  We just want you to know we were helping out pretty young."

And at the end of this talk (45 mins), Seth comes out of Richmond's room and Zoe is talking so animatedly, and explaining things ad Seth said it sounds exactly how I talk. So cool.

The mannerisms, and inflections, etc/rhythm

Teagan asked (in that 45 min) "Why do we have a life?

I said, "Like, why do we exist?"

"Yep"

Zoe interrupted that she knew the answer... I said, "Wait for me to answer her and then you can tell us what you think it is... So... Teag... this is basically the question we try to answer the entire time we are alive. I'm not really sure."

Zoe says "Well, because --well I'm not really sure about cavemen--but besides that, G-d created----" I cut her off and said, "Wait-- just remember she is asking WHY... not how."

Zoe thought about it... "Okay, well we learn that the world is a mess. and we really don't want to leave the world a mess, so we are here to do tikkun olam (repair the world)."

Wish I could type it all out, but I have to make lunches!!!

10 year anniversary

We always thought we'd go back to Italy-- where we honeymooned-- for our 10th anniversary.  With a 1 yr old, 4 yr old, and 7 yr old and a very tight budget... not happening!

I wanted to mark it somehow, though.  It's BIG!  Unlike a birthday, 10 years of marriage means you put in some serious work (or are miserable and lazy?), I don't know-- but, to me, it's a big milestone!

So... my friend came over and took some pictures of me showing my daughters my wedding dress for the first time out of that box-- the box that looks like you shouldn't even touch the box let alone open it.

Then we took a few pictures under the big tree in our yard.  When my husband and I got married 10 years ago, it was under the big tree in his parents' yard, so it seemed fitting.  I like to see where we were 10 years ago and now.

Happy 10th Anniversary to us!

To Dye or Not to Dye?

I dyed my hair for the first time when I was 17.  Pitch black.  I loved it.
I continued dying my hair all through college-- not often, but maybe 1-2x per year.

6 weeks before my wedding, I decided it'd be nice to have red highlights when the sun hit at my outdoor ceremony... bad idea.  Somehow my hair turned orange with a dark brown/red highlights color.  It took 3 visits over the next few weeks to get it back to my natural color before my wedding day... and a TON of cash.  So, the last time my hair was dyed was over 10 years ago, September 2004, just weeks before I was married.

I'll be 35 in a few weeks.   have a sprinkling of gray hair.. a few for every couple inches of air I have. I've been thinking more and more about whether or not to dye it, or let it go natural.  I love my natural color and want to keep it as long as possible.  I also want to know at what point I'd be completely gray... if I start dying it, I won't really know when that is or what it will look like.  Letting my hair naturally evolve into whatever comes next feels like the right move for me... but I'm nervous about looking older, sad about losing a color that's been mine for 35 years, and a feeling the pressure from societal norms to just dye it... and frankly, I don't want the expense.
I guess I'll take it one hair at a time.  What I do know is that I don't really want to grow it out after dying it... it's just not as graceful to see that exact beginning and end.
I hope I'm brave enough to go where my hair takes me.

Update October 2015:  I dyed just my roots in time for our anniversary... so I went a good 11 years without dying!  And I'll be 36 in a week.

Shared Closet for 2 Girls

The closet in my girls' room is on the smaller side.

We have no extra storage in this house, so all of their stuff needs to get stored there.

We also get a nice amount of hand me downs, sometimes stuff that won't be worn for 3 more years.

I bought clothes dividers from Amazon... They were about $1 apiece when you factor in shipping.

We bought two brackets and found a tension rod we'd had and made it a rod just for school uniforms to stay organized.  The whole project with new rod and clothes dividers was $15 even.

Comfort zones

I was thinking today how overwhelmed I was in my early 20s by all the things I hadn't yet explored-- or even found out about.  I remember someone telling me "It's just as important to find out what you don't like as it is to find out what you DO like."  That's good advice.  Looking back on my college and immediate post-college graduation years--- it took awhile to figure out what I liked and what I didn't-- it sounds so easy... like checking boxes... but it isn't.  Especially if a lot of peers like something and you feel you SHOULD.

But there is a gift in the not knowing... it means everything is a possibility.  This is also overwhelming, but as I've aged, and figured out what I like and don't like-- I realize I can get a bit too comfortable saying no to things I don't like.  I don't think I should necessarily try them JUST because they aren't in my comfort zone-- but constantly putting yourself in situations that might risk discomfort is maybe what keeps you young?  Or fosters bursts of growth, maybe?

Conflicting message

For me, it's important to model good choices for my kids.

I don't think it's fair to say "do as I say and not as I do". (Except for dessert frequency.)

So, this conflicting message really bothers me and I'm not really sure how to reconcile it to them.  They are KIDS. As adults we can reconcile it... But as a kid... It's a mixed message.  

Both messages are true. It IS important not to get too cliquey and to be inclusive.

It's also true that you should choose to be around people who support you, care about your well being, and don't drain you.

I certainly don't include everyone. In fact, in a new situation, I prefer now to ha g back and really scope things out for awhile (months, even).  Why? It's almost impossible to break up with a friend. I don't want to be in that position.  And when I notice another mom who seems to drain people of positivity, to speak badly of others, etc... I want to keep a healthy distance. I want to keep evolving and becoming better and more confident and sure of myself and who I am.  I need other positive, strong people around me for that.

So, I kind of hate that we tell our kids to include everyone, even though I understand the why.  It just seems harsh to expect of them what we mostly don't do ourselves... or even identify as harmful in some ways.

It's like high school

Now that I've been through these first seven years of parenthood, and I've birthed my last baby, nursed my last baby, and can feel us gelling into the actual unit we will be, I have this feeling...

It's like high school. I have a lot of fond memories of high school, defining moments, true friendships.  It was a special time... More importantly, a growing time, a time when I found out more about who I was... But no fucking way would I want to go back and do it again.  ;)

I love my family... But it took a lot to get here... I'm glad to have learned what I did, put in many sleepless nights, crying with other moms, sweet times... But I'm happy that soon everyone will be wiping their own tush.  It's a special time.

Apple Cake for Rosh Hashanah

Yay, a new recipe pays off!

I modified this recipe from this one here.

It really is delicious, and according to my husband is just like apfel kuchen in Germany.

My oldest daughter and I made it for Rosh Hashanah. 

 I agree that it's important to get 5 different kinds of apples to get different flavors, tart and sweet, crispy, and soft.  It begs for a cup of coffee.

Adapted from:

Marie-Hélène's Apple Cake recipe on Epicurious

ingredients

• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
• Pinch of salt
• 5 large apples (different kinds-- we used Honeycrisp, Granny Smith, Gala, Cripps Pink, Golden Delicious)
• 2 large eggs
• 3/4 cup  cane sugar
• 2 tablespoons water
• 1/2 tsp almond extract
• 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
• 8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted and cooled

preparation

Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Generously butter a 9-inch piece of stoneware.

Whisk the flour, baking powder, and salt together in small bowl.

Peel the apples, cut them in half and remove the cores. Slide in food processor.

In a medium bowl, beat the eggs with a whisk until they’re foamy. Pour in the sugar and whisk for a minute or so to blend. Whisk in the water, almond and vanilla. Whisk in half the flour and when it is incorporated, add half the melted butter, followed by the rest of the flour and the remaining butter, mixing gently after each addition so that you have a smooth, rather thick batter. Switch to a rubber spatula and fold in the apples, turning the fruit so that it's coated with batter. Scrape the mix into the pan and poke it around a little with the spatula so that it's evenish.

Slide the pan into the oven and bake for 50 to 60 minutes, or until the top of the cake is golden brown and a knife inserted deep into the center comes out clean--transfer to a cooling rack and let rest for 5 minutes.

Serving
The cake can be served warm or at room temperature, with or without a little softly whipped, barely sweetened heavy cream or a spoonful of ice cream. 

Storing
The cake will keep for about 2 days at room temperature and, according to my husband, gets more comforting with each passing day. However long you keep the cake, it's best not to cover it — it's too moist. Leave the cake on its plate and just press a piece of plastic wrap or wax paper against the cut surfaces.

Ingredients:

I ended up taking this paper out and re-pouring the mixture in. Pay no attention to this paper!

I tracked my spending, and .... yikes.

I decided to track our family spending from August 21- Sept. 20 and see if I was sticking to the strict budget we have.  As a family of 5 on ONE teacher's salary-- it's pretty strict.

Now, I may have picked a crappy month to track because of all the back-to-school costs-- but it seems every month there are unexpected things, so no time is perfect.

So--- I'm just gonna get real with numbers now-- it'll be quaint for our kids to read this in 30 years and se the actual dollars we were working with.  

Mortgage and bills right away add up to 1,744.57-- this includes health insurance, car insurance, life insurance, electric bill, internet, etc.  All the bills.

The one area we did better in is gas-- our budget is $250.  Since we moved closer to the places we go daily, we've cut our gas by almost half-- just by moving 7 miles closer.  Total gas for the month for both cars was $125.82.  Yay!

Groceries-- fail.  My budget is $500, and we spent $778.87.  I did stock up on some sale stuff for back to school (um... 76 boxes of Z-bars at $1.25 a box.... yes, I did.)  Still... that's $278 over budget!

"Other"... our budget for this is $250 and ideally $100 would go to savings every month, so it'd really be $150.  That's $150 for everything-- Target, treats, babysitter, any eating out, toiletries, Post Office--whatever.  This month it included $157 for two brand new tires, Target back to school supplies and stock-up of TP, paper towels, etc., a couple times of major pool shock because of algae, a bike seat for my 1 yr old so I could get back to exercising, $66 in Girl Scout registration and uniform-- and then basically a lot more Target trips, tiny treats here and there at Panera, Whole Foods, Dunkin, etc.
Too much-- way too much.  But, for argument's sake-- I did want to really track everything, so I didn't try to spend more frugally.  Total was $893.48.  Huge fail.  Huge.

So, all in all, this month we spent $798.17 that we didn't have.  That is CRAZY.

It's a little depressing, but I'm giving myself credit for tracking it and being mindful going forward.

I'll spend the next month really working on ways to do even more with less.  I do all the stuff people know-- coupon, sales, not going out,  I cut all 5 family members' hair, we don't have Smart Phones, we have iPad minis and we just use WiFi wherever we go, no cable, just Netflix and Hulu, one day a week we don't drive anywhere to save gas,  etc. I have found even little stuff like putting things on my Amazon wish list helps.  I know it's there-- I know I won't forget about it and meanwhile I know it's there for me when I'm ready to buy it.

How do parents do it?

Every weekend I feel so... Flummoxed?

How do parents do it with small kids?  How do they get it all dine and still have time for sleep and fun stuff with friends or even with their kids?

It takes us all weekend just to maintain.

It isn't in our budget to go out to eat, to hire a lawn person, to hire a pool person, a cleaning lady.  Does everyone gave these things and this is why they have time for fun... Or do we just suck?

One of us has to watch the baby while something like lawn mowing or pool cleaning happens... He is too curious.

Cooking three meals a day (usually two Bc breakfast is low key) takes an enormous amount of my time. Washing and folding and putting away laundry for 5 people feels endless.  My husband washes the dishes... That's 5 people eating 3 times a day.  Kids seems to need nails clipped once a week and baths every day... Bath time is like an hour if every day. The. Ine of the three is up at least a couple times after they are in bed.

By the time they are asleep, there's dinner dishes, backpacks and lunches to prep for the next day and emails to return, etc.

When the baby naps, admittedly, we are zonked and may fall asleep... Or my husband might use the time to cut the lawn which seems to take 3-4 outings to finish one cut.

We love reading... My husband loves writing. We miss it! (I'm writing this on the toilet.) ;)

So... Is it just us?

I find myself angry about  work seeping into non-work hours since we already never seem to make it to bed before midnight any night.  With no real village, at the least, people should be encouraged to go home and focus on family.

I feel like we are the only ones with no desire to add anything- anything- to our calendar.

I know the above may sound like complaining ... But I'm honestly curious who else with a young family struggles to get more than 5 hours of sleep and find time to have fun for more than 20 mins here or there?

On working out your childhood on your kids

I grew up just my mother and me.
And while there was lots good and "eh" about that-- the most striking thing about it to me looking back, is how in the back of my head I was always afraid of her dying.

Because, if I lost her, I lost everything.  I'd lose my entire family, my house, my bedroom, my city, my friends, my school.  Everything.

I didn't think about this actively every day-- but it was always at the back of my mind.  Little things would send my imagination into a whirl about what would happen.  Whenever I got sick at school (not much) I tried not to call my mother because she was working and could never come get me-- so it was always a neighbor or aunt and it was so sad.  When you're sick you want your mom.  And I'd think "would my whole life be like this?",,, or if she went on a trip (not often) without me-- same.  And I think it's still there now that I'm a mom.  I am the mom in a family of 5-- there's "lots" of us... but that little fear is still there at the back of my head--but now it's for my kids and my husband.  For me, I've transferred that feeling to my husband--- because he is the family I found-- he is my touchstone.

I just don't want my kids to feel that feeling... the feeling of only ONE tether connecting you to your life.  I want them to have a dozen tethers.

Honestly, I think it's why I post on this blog.  I think of a recipe-- or a reason why I do something-- or a parenting tip... I am compelled to write it down.  Because... there it is--written down.  And if they forget or aren't able to ask me before I'm gone--- they can have the comfort of the answer waiting for them.

I think it's also why I try to create rituals and comforts.  Movie night every weekend!  Taco Tuesday!  Ears pierced when you are 7.5... banana splits for dinner when I'm too tired to cook... write thank you notes within 72 hours... Studio Ghibli films (a family fav)... talking at dinner every single night, everyone fighting to have their turn... all of us knowing everyone's fav meal and the meal they hate... Harry Potter movies is a must on rainy days ...on and on.

I'm aware that I'm doing all of this in part for the 8 year old me.  But, I think it's cathartic in a way.

And, if nothing else, I'll have a huge book of thoughts to read when I'm 90 and say, "Man, I wrote a lot of crap."

Mom and me, age 4

Charoset recipe

Charoset is something we make in Passover... And every Passover I remind myself I need to make this more often! It's so healthy and delicious.

It's not really a spread or a dip but it's sort of both, so let's call it a sprip... Because that's too fun if a word to pass up.

You can make this in less than 15 minutes and it keeps for a week.  Flavors intensify after a day.

I used to only make it with Granny Smith apples, but then they were out if organic and I tried Pink Cripps apples and it was extra sweet and yummy.  Or try 5 differnt kinds!

5 organic apples, mixed variety 

1 cup raw almonds

1 tsp cane sugar (optional, but good if you're using Granny Smith)

1 tbsp lemon juice plus zest

1/4 cup manishevitz blackberry wine

Chop apples in food processor two at a time, empty into a bowl

Chop almonds in food processor with lemon zest

Mix all ingredients into a bowl

Tip for vomiting child

Give juice in a bottle with a slow stream-- so glad i still had one... it allows child to lay down and not drink too fast so prevents vomiting... save bottles forever!!!

The Sibling Controversy

I'm not gonna lie... I'm a little afraid to put pen to paper on this one because people get offended REALLY easily.
So-- let me preface the entire post by slapping this disclaimer on it:

I FULLY RESPECT PARENTS WHO DECIDE ONE CHILD IS THE RIGHT DECISION FOR THEIR FAMILY.  THIS POST IS NOT REALLY FOR THOSE PARENTS--IT'S FOR THE ONES ON THE FENCE.  IT'S TOUGH ENOUGH TO FEEL 100% ABOUT ANY DECISION AS A PARENT-- IF YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT THAT ONE CHILD IS YOUR MAGIC NUMBER-- THAT IS AWESOME AN SHOULD BE CELEBRATED.

But to the rest of you...

I'm inspired to write this after watching one of my closest girlfriends enter motherhood.  She just completed her first year on the job... and while her son is a pretty awesome kid... he can be a handful.  Always on the go, etc.

It's really made me think back a lot to when we just had one and were about to leap into another baby.

First of all, I'm an only child.  It's actually something I liked as a kid.  I felt really comfortable alone, and super comfy talking to adults.  Looking back, I realize I wasn't so great negotiating with peers and I had anxiety about certain social situations and wasn't great at sharing space, time, belongings, energy, resources, etc.  As an adult, I wish, wish, wish I had a sibling.  On my wedding day.  When my mother is being impossible.  When something sad happens.  When it's a holiday and even my closest friends I think of as family are with their... well, family.  For my kids to have cousins and sort of relive my childhood with MY other person who went through the same childhood.  That-- I wish I had.

When my youngest had to stay overnight in the hospital, his two big sisters cheered him up way better than I did!

I watch my 3 kids and while adding each one to our family unit was chaotic, hard, and turned everything upside down for about a year and a half each time... what is 18 months of HARD compared to 100 years of adding an incredible human being to the earth?  (Again-- disclaimer-- if you are 100% sure you don't want another baby, don't have a baby!!!!  But, if it's worries about the shitstorm that will hit for a year or so... think about it more.)  It's like labor... painful, but worth it.

Now, I was blissfully ignorant.  We had textbook baby stuff-- teething, tough time breastfeeding that first time--- but overall , Baby #1 was an easy baby.  If you have your hardest baby first... that is TOUGH.  (And unfair!)  Our next two babies had major sleep issues which sucked the joy out of the house for 4 months each.  4 months is YEARS in newborn time.  And we has no family of friends at all nearby to tag us out.  It was rough.

Admittedly, I am trying to build the family I never had.  If you have already lived that, it might not feel like you're missing out on anything.  And not every child should have the same family or upbringing-- for sure.

So-- here is my personal Pros and Cons list...

PRO:

• A lifelong companion for your children
• Some natural discipline develops when everything must be shared with a sibling 
• After 18-24 mos it actually becomes a little less work because they play together
• It really allows couples time back in without sitters, because you can split off without leaving anyone out
• Patience and perspective building
• Studies have found most (not all) second children are the most easy-going
• Sib has a peer family member to relate to-- turn to for help (sometimes an intermediary for parents in certain phases of growing up)
• Sibling is the one person you will know longest in life

CON:

• No one can guarantee close adult sibs (tho you can foster it)
• Tough adding any new person to the family-- about a year of adjustment
• Requires more resources (tho, in my opinion, not very much--it's the first child that adds the bulk)
• Not as easy to get family to watch 2 kids as it is 1

Pros and Cons aside... the true test for me is this... close your eyes and picture the life you want when your oldest is 25 years old... what does it include?  Big holidays with lots of people, grandchildren?  Or lots of traveling with just your partner-- both?  No one can tell you what is right for your family-- that's the tough part... my point is this, though... decide based on the long-term-- of life as a whole-- no just the next few years.

I'm an only child and I've sought out families of friends that make me feel loved, and friends that feel sibling-esque.  I had a good childhood and I like who I am--- I think some kids SHOULD be only children-- onlies are a good addition to the Earth!

Nothing is a guarantee.  Everything is hard until you're past it.  What's meant to be, will be.

And a dozen other cliches that don't help you one bit... go with your gut... and good luck.  :)

Fostering independence

The girls...

I don't know what made this unacceptable in 2014.
The girls forgot to ask for water when we were in line-- we sat down, took a bite and they asked for water.
We told them if they wanted it, they'd have to go back in wait in line, and ask for it.  They were too scared.  We told them they'd have each other.
They nervously went.
They accomplished.
I must admit... as a parent of young  kids in 2014, I sometimes feel you can't win in this situation... people think you're negligent to let your kids more than 10 feet out of your sight-- and yet they label this young generation "entitled"... well... they will be if we keep doing everything for them.

Facebook Insulates

I just realized Facebook basically makes it seem everyone is on the same playing field. We're not. We all have different resources, circumstances, means... but if people are only posting chosen bits and pieces of their life-- well, if nothing else, it's not really authentic communication. 
It's the WAY we read those added up bits and pieces and then choose what to hide that saddens me.


Yes-- I think about how I have friends all over the map/finances etc-- and how their "norms" are so different.. but why isn't it embarrassing to post pics of a new car or mani/pedi, shopping spree, (not that it should be)-- but somehow it WOULD be embarrassing to post "Grateful for food assistance--it really means a lot to our family, #grateful!"... It does both sides a disservice--- the richer people are ignorant to the fact that they likely know people in this position, and the poorer are afraid to out themselves because they don't see support for it anywhere. Amongst their own friends! Anyway-- I just saw a disjointed thread this weekend and it suddenly made me realize how in some ways social media frther insulates certain groups.

Parenthood

Sometimes parenthood feels like not being able to spend enough time with your kids and spending too much time with them all at once.

Moms and their sons

In general I hate gender stereotypes... but perhaps the one that irks me most is the kid-to-parent gender stereotypes...

Dads:
That little girl will have you wrapped around her finger, Daddy!
She's daddy's little princess!

Moms:
That's boys for ya!
Boys love their mommies!


...and on and on.

I have two older girls... and when we found out the third was a boy (we were shocked) I cannot tell you how many times we each heard these two things:

My husband heard:  Oh!  You must be so happy to finally get your boy!

I heard:  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  It's so different.  Little boys really love their mothers.

We were so offended.  Especially when people said this in front of my oldest who was almost 6.  Um.. she can hear you and she is smart, you idiot adults.

Anyway-- 16 months have gone by since my son was born, and while I hold firm against the stereotyping (my son seems to love Daddy just as much as he loves me)... I think I've figured something out.

I'm not sure if it's the case for other people-- and unless you have one of each gender it may be hard to evaluate--but, for me...

This is my first relationship with a male that began with his very birth.  He is brand new-- I am watching what will be a human man begin from seed.  It's uncomplicated.  It's pure love and growth.

Of course I am also watching my daughters grow, and it's miraculous-- but perhaps I am more focused on righting the wrongs from my childhood with them-- since it's easier to see myself in them.  I was with myself at their ages.  I remember being in 2nd grade like my oldest is now and crying everyday in a new school missing my mom.  Perhaps I am too focused on their experiences and with my son, too focused on his just... existence.

Anyway-- this occurred to me in the shower.  Where most things occur to me-- annoying since I have no pen & paper in there.  ;)  But I can see how some women might want to label that relationship "more special" because of the awe of watching someone of the opposite sex before they really are any gender at all --- that's the real amazing part.

Personally, all three of my kids are so different-- as babies and now.  And since I've seen one too many families of 5 where the youngest seems to get away with everything-- I rally try to remember not to let my son off the hook more than I did with the girls.  The last thing I want to do is raise an entitled, arrogant man.

And it hits me... are those mothers the ones who facilitate the growth of that type of man?

My Daughter Needs Glasses

Difference between 1st kid and 2nd...

When my oldest got the diagnosis that she needed glasses, my 2nd was maybe 6 months old and I was wearing her in the Moby wrap and the (shitty) eye doc said, "Oh, yeah, it's worse than I initially thought, she'll need to wear glasses all the time."...

and I couldn't help it, my voice got all cracky and I was fully crying trying to ask him questions while simultaneously trying not to wake the baby and wipe up my snot.

I was upset-- I thought "I breastfed, she's supposed to be immune from everything!"

I felt so upset and I couldn't stop crying... and the doc was an ass...

Now, my middle child needs glasses.. I'm like, "Okay, cool! Pick some cool frames that you'll lose in two months and let's get the hell home for nap time, yo."

I seriously remember feeling like a tragedy had happened to me when Zoe needed glasses--- it took me a few hours to realize it wasn't a big deal in the big picture. I think it's just scary when someone tells you something is "wrong" with your child and you didn't even notice a sliver of it.

I've Figured Out My Parenting Style

I was listening to NPR this afternoon, and it hit me-- I finally know my parenting style.

"Louis CK parenting".

Pretty much everything Louis CK has ever said about his philosophy on parenting... I passionately agree.

He said to Terri Gross that when your kids ask you questions "just tell them the truth, don't give them some hocus pocus answer".   He was talking about what a big deal it is to have sex with someone and that you shouldn't rush into it, but not to give some reason like, "Jesus will be mad"... tell the truth, "Because you'll feel bad.  You'll feel really bad.  It's a big deal, you have to really know the person... and if you treat it like it's NOT a big deal, the big deal-ness of it will come back and confront you, showing you what a big deal it actually is" (this is almost word for word, but not exact.)

This has been my philosophy.  I don't want there to be a day any of my kids stops and realizes I gave them smoke and mirrors because I didn't want to be uncomfortable, or even because I thought they were too young.  There is a way to tell the truth to any kid, any age, I believe.

When she was 5, my daughter asked me where babies come from.  I was pregnant and she was confused how the baby got in there.  I told her the whole shebang... penis goes into vagina, sperm race, whichever sperm wins determines whether it's a girl or boy depending on whether a boy sperm or girl sperm won the race-- that was really the only part she cared about.  She wanted to see it-- so I found a cool video on Baby Center of the sperm racing to the egg.  I explained that she can always ask me anything, but this was something she couldn't share with friends.  Only parents can tell the answers to these questions to their own kids, or we'd both be in trouble.

Two years later, at 7, she asked me "What if a boy really wants to be a girl, or a girl really wants to be a boy?"  I took a moment... and thought about the future-- who know how my three tiny kids will identify.. so I wanted to be honest.  I told her what transgender and gay meant-- better I explain it, is how I felt-- and show compassion around it.  And that it's a tough thing to go through and it's more rare, like being Jewish, etc.  Again, I told her it wasn't something she could share with her friends, like when I told her where babies come from.

"You told me where babies come from?"

Um, Yes!

"Oh.  I don't remember any of that."

So... see?  It's not as big of a deal as you think.  They just want a true answer they can immediately forget.  :)

But, really... I love Louis CK's parenting philosophies...

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

Louis C. K.

Roles have all changed. There’s a lot of fathers who take care of their kids, there’s a lot of mothers who have careers. But in culture, those roles are still the same. When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. A waitress said to my kids the other day, “Isn’t that nice that you’re getting to have a little lunch with your daddy?” And I was insulted by it, because I’m like, I’m f**king taking them to lunch, and then I’m taking them home, and then I’m feeding them and doing their homework with them and putting them to bed. She’s like, Oh, this is special time with daddy. Well, no, this is boring time with daddy, the same as everything. -LCK

You know when you see a mother someplace, like at McDonalds, and she’s melting down on her kid. She’s like, ‘Shut up. I hate you and you’re ugly.’ And people are sitting around and saying, ‘Oh my goodness. She’s a horrible mother.’ Guess what? Those people aren’t f**king parents. They don’t have kids. Because any parents that are in that store are saying, ‘What did that sh*tty kid do to that poor woman?'”  -LCK

“A kid asks [her distraught parent] a question like, ‘Why is the sky blue?’ And her mom is like, ‘Just shut up and eat your french fries.’ And you think, ‘What a terrible mother. Why doesn’t she answer her child? When I have a child I will answer all of their questions. And open their minds to the wonders of the world.’ Well, guess what. You don’t know what the f*ck you’re talking about. You can’t answer a kid’s question. They don’t accept any answer. They’re never like, ‘Oh. Thanks. Now I get it.’ They just keep coming, ‘Why, why, why, why?’ until you don’t even know who the f*ck you are anymore at the end of the conversation. -LCK

It’s hard having kids because it’s boring... It’s just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time.