And you're little... for a little while

Our 19 month old is waking at all times of night and NOT going back to sleep... for hours. It has been frustrating-- and with 3 kids, we need that night time 2 hours so badly to get things done (lunches, dishes, clean ourselves, finish a sentence...) that it feels like such a violation when one of our kids doesn't go to sleep/stay asleep.

We tried letting him watch Sesame Street in the Pack & Play-- lay down with his sisters in their bed, cry for a few minutes in his crib... no dice. He was up... LOUD and up. We finaly left him in the P&P with some Sesame Street (Sleepytime Songs) and tried to at least finish up all the kitchen/lunch stuff. Finally-- we needed to just try to get him back to the crib... at 10pm...

He was all sad and my husband was going rock him down and I was annoyed... and he goes, "He's just a little person, he doesnt know-- he doesnt want to be annoying us"

And then i felt awful and said i'd put him down myself and I'm glad I did-- it was cozy. At one point I was singing along to Renee & Jeremy's It's a Big Big World song, and the end of the chorus is "do doo doo doo, doo do do doo"... and I'd sing the first "doo doo do doo" and whisper "now you"... and he'd quietly smile and say "doo doo doo". It was a moment. I realized how little he is right now... how much he needs me, how sweet and wonderful he is at this age--- how I will miss having the strength to hold his weight for 30 minutes and bounce on an exercise ball.

I was like AHA!... of course they have to annoy you or you'd be a mess all the time wanting them to stay little-- but the waking and such keeps you wanting them to grow

It's JUST enough to make you excited for a new stage.

One of those moments you wait for...

November 11, 2014

I just had a 45 min impromptu convo with the girls in their bed

it was like... the first real convo

not really

but just the LENGTH

they were asking questions about my life

it was so cool... about growing up and who my mom was married to, and if I was sad with just a mom, and then they'd (mainly Zoe) ask deeper questions... then she says "I man, this is kind of a compliment but I don't know if you'll think it is... How could you and Daddy have such horrible homes and grow up to be good people?"

HAHAH!

I said "why do you think our homes were horrible?"

She says, "Well, your houses just sound so... strange and odd... I mean...Pop would wash Daddy's mouth with soap if he said a bad word and his brother shot him in the butt with a bebe gun!... and Grammy didn't cook and you had to make your own lunches and shower yourself and you had a lot of responsibilities when you were pretty little."

I said, "Ha!  I guess that does sound horrible, but it wasn't!  We just want you to know we were helping out pretty young."

And at the end of this talk (45 mins), Seth comes out of Richmond's room and Zoe is talking so animatedly, and explaining things ad Seth said it sounds exactly how I talk. So cool.

The mannerisms, and inflections, etc/rhythm

Teagan asked (in that 45 min) "Why do we have a life?

I said, "Like, why do we exist?"

"Yep"

Zoe interrupted that she knew the answer... I said, "Wait for me to answer her and then you can tell us what you think it is... So... Teag... this is basically the question we try to answer the entire time we are alive. I'm not really sure."

Zoe says "Well, because --well I'm not really sure about cavemen--but besides that, G-d created----" I cut her off and said, "Wait-- just remember she is asking WHY... not how."

Zoe thought about it... "Okay, well we learn that the world is a mess. and we really don't want to leave the world a mess, so we are here to do tikkun olam (repair the world)."

Wish I could type it all out, but I have to make lunches!!!

10 year anniversary

We always thought we'd go back to Italy-- where we honeymooned-- for our 10th anniversary.  With a 1 yr old, 4 yr old, and 7 yr old and a very tight budget... not happening!

I wanted to mark it somehow, though.  It's BIG!  Unlike a birthday, 10 years of marriage means you put in some serious work (or are miserable and lazy?), I don't know-- but, to me, it's a big milestone!

So... my friend came over and took some pictures of me showing my daughters my wedding dress for the first time out of that box-- the box that looks like you shouldn't even touch the box let alone open it.

Then we took a few pictures under the big tree in our yard.  When my husband and I got married 10 years ago, it was under the big tree in his parents' yard, so it seemed fitting.  I like to see where we were 10 years ago and now.

Happy 10th Anniversary to us!

To Dye or Not to Dye?

I dyed my hair for the first time when I was 17.  Pitch black.  I loved it.
I continued dying my hair all through college-- not often, but maybe 1-2x per year.

6 weeks before my wedding, I decided it'd be nice to have red highlights when the sun hit at my outdoor ceremony... bad idea.  Somehow my hair turned orange with a dark brown/red highlights color.  It took 3 visits over the next few weeks to get it back to my natural color before my wedding day... and a TON of cash.  So, the last time my hair was dyed was over 10 years ago, September 2004, just weeks before I was married.

I'll be 35 in a few weeks.   have a sprinkling of gray hair.. a few for every couple inches of air I have. I've been thinking more and more about whether or not to dye it, or let it go natural.  I love my natural color and want to keep it as long as possible.  I also want to know at what point I'd be completely gray... if I start dying it, I won't really know when that is or what it will look like.  Letting my hair naturally evolve into whatever comes next feels like the right move for me... but I'm nervous about looking older, sad about losing a color that's been mine for 35 years, and a feeling the pressure from societal norms to just dye it... and frankly, I don't want the expense.
I guess I'll take it one hair at a time.  What I do know is that I don't really want to grow it out after dying it... it's just not as graceful to see that exact beginning and end.
I hope I'm brave enough to go where my hair takes me.

Update October 2015:  I dyed just my roots in time for our anniversary... so I went a good 11 years without dying!  And I'll be 36 in a week.

Shared Closet for 2 Girls

The closet in my girls' room is on the smaller side.

We have no extra storage in this house, so all of their stuff needs to get stored there.

We also get a nice amount of hand me downs, sometimes stuff that won't be worn for 3 more years.

I bought clothes dividers from Amazon... They were about $1 apiece when you factor in shipping.

We bought two brackets and found a tension rod we'd had and made it a rod just for school uniforms to stay organized.  The whole project with new rod and clothes dividers was $15 even.

Comfort zones

I was thinking today how overwhelmed I was in my early 20s by all the things I hadn't yet explored-- or even found out about.  I remember someone telling me "It's just as important to find out what you don't like as it is to find out what you DO like."  That's good advice.  Looking back on my college and immediate post-college graduation years--- it took awhile to figure out what I liked and what I didn't-- it sounds so easy... like checking boxes... but it isn't.  Especially if a lot of peers like something and you feel you SHOULD.

But there is a gift in the not knowing... it means everything is a possibility.  This is also overwhelming, but as I've aged, and figured out what I like and don't like-- I realize I can get a bit too comfortable saying no to things I don't like.  I don't think I should necessarily try them JUST because they aren't in my comfort zone-- but constantly putting yourself in situations that might risk discomfort is maybe what keeps you young?  Or fosters bursts of growth, maybe?

Conflicting message

For me, it's important to model good choices for my kids.

I don't think it's fair to say "do as I say and not as I do". (Except for dessert frequency.)

So, this conflicting message really bothers me and I'm not really sure how to reconcile it to them.  They are KIDS. As adults we can reconcile it... But as a kid... It's a mixed message.  

Both messages are true. It IS important not to get too cliquey and to be inclusive.

It's also true that you should choose to be around people who support you, care about your well being, and don't drain you.

I certainly don't include everyone. In fact, in a new situation, I prefer now to ha g back and really scope things out for awhile (months, even).  Why? It's almost impossible to break up with a friend. I don't want to be in that position.  And when I notice another mom who seems to drain people of positivity, to speak badly of others, etc... I want to keep a healthy distance. I want to keep evolving and becoming better and more confident and sure of myself and who I am.  I need other positive, strong people around me for that.

So, I kind of hate that we tell our kids to include everyone, even though I understand the why.  It just seems harsh to expect of them what we mostly don't do ourselves... or even identify as harmful in some ways.