Conflicting message

For me, it's important to model good choices for my kids.

I don't think it's fair to say "do as I say and not as I do". (Except for dessert frequency.)

So, this conflicting message really bothers me and I'm not really sure how to reconcile it to them.  They are KIDS. As adults we can reconcile it... But as a kid... It's a mixed message.  

Both messages are true. It IS important not to get too cliquey and to be inclusive.

It's also true that you should choose to be around people who support you, care about your well being, and don't drain you.

I certainly don't include everyone. In fact, in a new situation, I prefer now to ha g back and really scope things out for awhile (months, even).  Why? It's almost impossible to break up with a friend. I don't want to be in that position.  And when I notice another mom who seems to drain people of positivity, to speak badly of others, etc... I want to keep a healthy distance. I want to keep evolving and becoming better and more confident and sure of myself and who I am.  I need other positive, strong people around me for that.

So, I kind of hate that we tell our kids to include everyone, even though I understand the why.  It just seems harsh to expect of them what we mostly don't do ourselves... or even identify as harmful in some ways.

It's like high school

Now that I've been through these first seven years of parenthood, and I've birthed my last baby, nursed my last baby, and can feel us gelling into the actual unit we will be, I have this feeling...

It's like high school. I have a lot of fond memories of high school, defining moments, true friendships.  It was a special time... More importantly, a growing time, a time when I found out more about who I was... But no fucking way would I want to go back and do it again.  ;)

I love my family... But it took a lot to get here... I'm glad to have learned what I did, put in many sleepless nights, crying with other moms, sweet times... But I'm happy that soon everyone will be wiping their own tush.  It's a special time.

Apple Cake for Rosh Hashanah

Yay, a new recipe pays off!

I modified this recipe from this one here.

It really is delicious, and according to my husband is just like apfel kuchen in Germany.

My oldest daughter and I made it for Rosh Hashanah. 

 I agree that it's important to get 5 different kinds of apples to get different flavors, tart and sweet, crispy, and soft.  It begs for a cup of coffee.

Adapted from:

Marie-Hélène's Apple Cake recipe on Epicurious

ingredients

• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
• Pinch of salt
• 5 large apples (different kinds-- we used Honeycrisp, Granny Smith, Gala, Cripps Pink, Golden Delicious)
• 2 large eggs
• 3/4 cup  cane sugar
• 2 tablespoons water
• 1/2 tsp almond extract
• 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
• 8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted and cooled

preparation

Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Generously butter a 9-inch piece of stoneware.

Whisk the flour, baking powder, and salt together in small bowl.

Peel the apples, cut them in half and remove the cores. Slide in food processor.

In a medium bowl, beat the eggs with a whisk until they’re foamy. Pour in the sugar and whisk for a minute or so to blend. Whisk in the water, almond and vanilla. Whisk in half the flour and when it is incorporated, add half the melted butter, followed by the rest of the flour and the remaining butter, mixing gently after each addition so that you have a smooth, rather thick batter. Switch to a rubber spatula and fold in the apples, turning the fruit so that it's coated with batter. Scrape the mix into the pan and poke it around a little with the spatula so that it's evenish.

Slide the pan into the oven and bake for 50 to 60 minutes, or until the top of the cake is golden brown and a knife inserted deep into the center comes out clean--transfer to a cooling rack and let rest for 5 minutes.

Serving
The cake can be served warm or at room temperature, with or without a little softly whipped, barely sweetened heavy cream or a spoonful of ice cream. 

Storing
The cake will keep for about 2 days at room temperature and, according to my husband, gets more comforting with each passing day. However long you keep the cake, it's best not to cover it — it's too moist. Leave the cake on its plate and just press a piece of plastic wrap or wax paper against the cut surfaces.

Ingredients:

I ended up taking this paper out and re-pouring the mixture in. Pay no attention to this paper!

I tracked my spending, and .... yikes.

I decided to track our family spending from August 21- Sept. 20 and see if I was sticking to the strict budget we have.  As a family of 5 on ONE teacher's salary-- it's pretty strict.

Now, I may have picked a crappy month to track because of all the back-to-school costs-- but it seems every month there are unexpected things, so no time is perfect.

So--- I'm just gonna get real with numbers now-- it'll be quaint for our kids to read this in 30 years and se the actual dollars we were working with.  

Mortgage and bills right away add up to 1,744.57-- this includes health insurance, car insurance, life insurance, electric bill, internet, etc.  All the bills.

The one area we did better in is gas-- our budget is $250.  Since we moved closer to the places we go daily, we've cut our gas by almost half-- just by moving 7 miles closer.  Total gas for the month for both cars was $125.82.  Yay!

Groceries-- fail.  My budget is $500, and we spent $778.87.  I did stock up on some sale stuff for back to school (um... 76 boxes of Z-bars at $1.25 a box.... yes, I did.)  Still... that's $278 over budget!

"Other"... our budget for this is $250 and ideally $100 would go to savings every month, so it'd really be $150.  That's $150 for everything-- Target, treats, babysitter, any eating out, toiletries, Post Office--whatever.  This month it included $157 for two brand new tires, Target back to school supplies and stock-up of TP, paper towels, etc., a couple times of major pool shock because of algae, a bike seat for my 1 yr old so I could get back to exercising, $66 in Girl Scout registration and uniform-- and then basically a lot more Target trips, tiny treats here and there at Panera, Whole Foods, Dunkin, etc.
Too much-- way too much.  But, for argument's sake-- I did want to really track everything, so I didn't try to spend more frugally.  Total was $893.48.  Huge fail.  Huge.

So, all in all, this month we spent $798.17 that we didn't have.  That is CRAZY.

It's a little depressing, but I'm giving myself credit for tracking it and being mindful going forward.

I'll spend the next month really working on ways to do even more with less.  I do all the stuff people know-- coupon, sales, not going out,  I cut all 5 family members' hair, we don't have Smart Phones, we have iPad minis and we just use WiFi wherever we go, no cable, just Netflix and Hulu, one day a week we don't drive anywhere to save gas,  etc. I have found even little stuff like putting things on my Amazon wish list helps.  I know it's there-- I know I won't forget about it and meanwhile I know it's there for me when I'm ready to buy it.

How do parents do it?

Every weekend I feel so... Flummoxed?

How do parents do it with small kids?  How do they get it all dine and still have time for sleep and fun stuff with friends or even with their kids?

It takes us all weekend just to maintain.

It isn't in our budget to go out to eat, to hire a lawn person, to hire a pool person, a cleaning lady.  Does everyone gave these things and this is why they have time for fun... Or do we just suck?

One of us has to watch the baby while something like lawn mowing or pool cleaning happens... He is too curious.

Cooking three meals a day (usually two Bc breakfast is low key) takes an enormous amount of my time. Washing and folding and putting away laundry for 5 people feels endless.  My husband washes the dishes... That's 5 people eating 3 times a day.  Kids seems to need nails clipped once a week and baths every day... Bath time is like an hour if every day. The. Ine of the three is up at least a couple times after they are in bed.

By the time they are asleep, there's dinner dishes, backpacks and lunches to prep for the next day and emails to return, etc.

When the baby naps, admittedly, we are zonked and may fall asleep... Or my husband might use the time to cut the lawn which seems to take 3-4 outings to finish one cut.

We love reading... My husband loves writing. We miss it! (I'm writing this on the toilet.) ;)

So... Is it just us?

I find myself angry about  work seeping into non-work hours since we already never seem to make it to bed before midnight any night.  With no real village, at the least, people should be encouraged to go home and focus on family.

I feel like we are the only ones with no desire to add anything- anything- to our calendar.

I know the above may sound like complaining ... But I'm honestly curious who else with a young family struggles to get more than 5 hours of sleep and find time to have fun for more than 20 mins here or there?

On working out your childhood on your kids

I grew up just my mother and me.
And while there was lots good and "eh" about that-- the most striking thing about it to me looking back, is how in the back of my head I was always afraid of her dying.

Because, if I lost her, I lost everything.  I'd lose my entire family, my house, my bedroom, my city, my friends, my school.  Everything.

I didn't think about this actively every day-- but it was always at the back of my mind.  Little things would send my imagination into a whirl about what would happen.  Whenever I got sick at school (not much) I tried not to call my mother because she was working and could never come get me-- so it was always a neighbor or aunt and it was so sad.  When you're sick you want your mom.  And I'd think "would my whole life be like this?",,, or if she went on a trip (not often) without me-- same.  And I think it's still there now that I'm a mom.  I am the mom in a family of 5-- there's "lots" of us... but that little fear is still there at the back of my head--but now it's for my kids and my husband.  For me, I've transferred that feeling to my husband--- because he is the family I found-- he is my touchstone.

I just don't want my kids to feel that feeling... the feeling of only ONE tether connecting you to your life.  I want them to have a dozen tethers.

Honestly, I think it's why I post on this blog.  I think of a recipe-- or a reason why I do something-- or a parenting tip... I am compelled to write it down.  Because... there it is--written down.  And if they forget or aren't able to ask me before I'm gone--- they can have the comfort of the answer waiting for them.

I think it's also why I try to create rituals and comforts.  Movie night every weekend!  Taco Tuesday!  Ears pierced when you are 7.5... banana splits for dinner when I'm too tired to cook... write thank you notes within 72 hours... Studio Ghibli films (a family fav)... talking at dinner every single night, everyone fighting to have their turn... all of us knowing everyone's fav meal and the meal they hate... Harry Potter movies is a must on rainy days ...on and on.

I'm aware that I'm doing all of this in part for the 8 year old me.  But, I think it's cathartic in a way.

And, if nothing else, I'll have a huge book of thoughts to read when I'm 90 and say, "Man, I wrote a lot of crap."

Mom and me, age 4

Charoset recipe

Charoset is something we make in Passover... And every Passover I remind myself I need to make this more often! It's so healthy and delicious.

It's not really a spread or a dip but it's sort of both, so let's call it a sprip... Because that's too fun if a word to pass up.

You can make this in less than 15 minutes and it keeps for a week.  Flavors intensify after a day.

I used to only make it with Granny Smith apples, but then they were out if organic and I tried Pink Cripps apples and it was extra sweet and yummy.  Or try 5 differnt kinds!

5 organic apples, mixed variety 

1 cup raw almonds

1 tsp cane sugar (optional, but good if you're using Granny Smith)

1 tbsp lemon juice plus zest

1/4 cup manishevitz blackberry wine

Chop apples in food processor two at a time, empty into a bowl

Chop almonds in food processor with lemon zest

Mix all ingredients into a bowl

Tip for vomiting child

Give juice in a bottle with a slow stream-- so glad i still had one... it allows child to lay down and not drink too fast so prevents vomiting... save bottles forever!!!

The Sibling Controversy

I'm not gonna lie... I'm a little afraid to put pen to paper on this one because people get offended REALLY easily.
So-- let me preface the entire post by slapping this disclaimer on it:

I FULLY RESPECT PARENTS WHO DECIDE ONE CHILD IS THE RIGHT DECISION FOR THEIR FAMILY.  THIS POST IS NOT REALLY FOR THOSE PARENTS--IT'S FOR THE ONES ON THE FENCE.  IT'S TOUGH ENOUGH TO FEEL 100% ABOUT ANY DECISION AS A PARENT-- IF YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT THAT ONE CHILD IS YOUR MAGIC NUMBER-- THAT IS AWESOME AN SHOULD BE CELEBRATED.

But to the rest of you...

I'm inspired to write this after watching one of my closest girlfriends enter motherhood.  She just completed her first year on the job... and while her son is a pretty awesome kid... he can be a handful.  Always on the go, etc.

It's really made me think back a lot to when we just had one and were about to leap into another baby.

First of all, I'm an only child.  It's actually something I liked as a kid.  I felt really comfortable alone, and super comfy talking to adults.  Looking back, I realize I wasn't so great negotiating with peers and I had anxiety about certain social situations and wasn't great at sharing space, time, belongings, energy, resources, etc.  As an adult, I wish, wish, wish I had a sibling.  On my wedding day.  When my mother is being impossible.  When something sad happens.  When it's a holiday and even my closest friends I think of as family are with their... well, family.  For my kids to have cousins and sort of relive my childhood with MY other person who went through the same childhood.  That-- I wish I had.

When my youngest had to stay overnight in the hospital, his two big sisters cheered him up way better than I did!

I watch my 3 kids and while adding each one to our family unit was chaotic, hard, and turned everything upside down for about a year and a half each time... what is 18 months of HARD compared to 100 years of adding an incredible human being to the earth?  (Again-- disclaimer-- if you are 100% sure you don't want another baby, don't have a baby!!!!  But, if it's worries about the shitstorm that will hit for a year or so... think about it more.)  It's like labor... painful, but worth it.

Now, I was blissfully ignorant.  We had textbook baby stuff-- teething, tough time breastfeeding that first time--- but overall , Baby #1 was an easy baby.  If you have your hardest baby first... that is TOUGH.  (And unfair!)  Our next two babies had major sleep issues which sucked the joy out of the house for 4 months each.  4 months is YEARS in newborn time.  And we has no family of friends at all nearby to tag us out.  It was rough.

Admittedly, I am trying to build the family I never had.  If you have already lived that, it might not feel like you're missing out on anything.  And not every child should have the same family or upbringing-- for sure.

So-- here is my personal Pros and Cons list...

PRO:

• A lifelong companion for your children
• Some natural discipline develops when everything must be shared with a sibling 
• After 18-24 mos it actually becomes a little less work because they play together
• It really allows couples time back in without sitters, because you can split off without leaving anyone out
• Patience and perspective building
• Studies have found most (not all) second children are the most easy-going
• Sib has a peer family member to relate to-- turn to for help (sometimes an intermediary for parents in certain phases of growing up)
• Sibling is the one person you will know longest in life

CON:

• No one can guarantee close adult sibs (tho you can foster it)
• Tough adding any new person to the family-- about a year of adjustment
• Requires more resources (tho, in my opinion, not very much--it's the first child that adds the bulk)
• Not as easy to get family to watch 2 kids as it is 1

Pros and Cons aside... the true test for me is this... close your eyes and picture the life you want when your oldest is 25 years old... what does it include?  Big holidays with lots of people, grandchildren?  Or lots of traveling with just your partner-- both?  No one can tell you what is right for your family-- that's the tough part... my point is this, though... decide based on the long-term-- of life as a whole-- no just the next few years.

I'm an only child and I've sought out families of friends that make me feel loved, and friends that feel sibling-esque.  I had a good childhood and I like who I am--- I think some kids SHOULD be only children-- onlies are a good addition to the Earth!

Nothing is a guarantee.  Everything is hard until you're past it.  What's meant to be, will be.

And a dozen other cliches that don't help you one bit... go with your gut... and good luck.  :)

Fostering independence

The girls...

I don't know what made this unacceptable in 2014.
The girls forgot to ask for water when we were in line-- we sat down, took a bite and they asked for water.
We told them if they wanted it, they'd have to go back in wait in line, and ask for it.  They were too scared.  We told them they'd have each other.
They nervously went.
They accomplished.
I must admit... as a parent of young  kids in 2014, I sometimes feel you can't win in this situation... people think you're negligent to let your kids more than 10 feet out of your sight-- and yet they label this young generation "entitled"... well... they will be if we keep doing everything for them.

Facebook Insulates

I just realized Facebook basically makes it seem everyone is on the same playing field. We're not. We all have different resources, circumstances, means... but if people are only posting chosen bits and pieces of their life-- well, if nothing else, it's not really authentic communication. 
It's the WAY we read those added up bits and pieces and then choose what to hide that saddens me.


Yes-- I think about how I have friends all over the map/finances etc-- and how their "norms" are so different.. but why isn't it embarrassing to post pics of a new car or mani/pedi, shopping spree, (not that it should be)-- but somehow it WOULD be embarrassing to post "Grateful for food assistance--it really means a lot to our family, #grateful!"... It does both sides a disservice--- the richer people are ignorant to the fact that they likely know people in this position, and the poorer are afraid to out themselves because they don't see support for it anywhere. Amongst their own friends! Anyway-- I just saw a disjointed thread this weekend and it suddenly made me realize how in some ways social media frther insulates certain groups.

Parenthood

Sometimes parenthood feels like not being able to spend enough time with your kids and spending too much time with them all at once.