On working out your childhood on your kids

I grew up just my mother and me.
And while there was lots good and "eh" about that-- the most striking thing about it to me looking back, is how in the back of my head I was always afraid of her dying.

Because, if I lost her, I lost everything.  I'd lose my entire family, my house, my bedroom, my city, my friends, my school.  Everything.

I didn't think about this actively every day-- but it was always at the back of my mind.  Little things would send my imagination into a whirl about what would happen.  Whenever I got sick at school (not much) I tried not to call my mother because she was working and could never come get me-- so it was always a neighbor or aunt and it was so sad.  When you're sick you want your mom.  And I'd think "would my whole life be like this?",,, or if she went on a trip (not often) without me-- same.  And I think it's still there now that I'm a mom.  I am the mom in a family of 5-- there's "lots" of us... but that little fear is still there at the back of my head--but now it's for my kids and my husband.  For me, I've transferred that feeling to my husband--- because he is the family I found-- he is my touchstone.

I just don't want my kids to feel that feeling... the feeling of only ONE tether connecting you to your life.  I want them to have a dozen tethers.

Honestly, I think it's why I post on this blog.  I think of a recipe-- or a reason why I do something-- or a parenting tip... I am compelled to write it down.  Because... there it is--written down.  And if they forget or aren't able to ask me before I'm gone--- they can have the comfort of the answer waiting for them.

I think it's also why I try to create rituals and comforts.  Movie night every weekend!  Taco Tuesday!  Ears pierced when you are 7.5... banana splits for dinner when I'm too tired to cook... write thank you notes within 72 hours... Studio Ghibli films (a family fav)... talking at dinner every single night, everyone fighting to have their turn... all of us knowing everyone's fav meal and the meal they hate... Harry Potter movies is a must on rainy days ...on and on.

I'm aware that I'm doing all of this in part for the 8 year old me.  But, I think it's cathartic in a way.

And, if nothing else, I'll have a huge book of thoughts to read when I'm 90 and say, "Man, I wrote a lot of crap."

Mom and me, age 4

Charoset recipe

Charoset is something we make in Passover... And every Passover I remind myself I need to make this more often! It's so healthy and delicious.

It's not really a spread or a dip but it's sort of both, so let's call it a sprip... Because that's too fun if a word to pass up.

You can make this in less than 15 minutes and it keeps for a week.  Flavors intensify after a day.

I used to only make it with Granny Smith apples, but then they were out if organic and I tried Pink Cripps apples and it was extra sweet and yummy.  Or try 5 differnt kinds!

5 organic apples, mixed variety 

1 cup raw almonds

1 tsp cane sugar (optional, but good if you're using Granny Smith)

1 tbsp lemon juice plus zest

1/4 cup manishevitz blackberry wine

Chop apples in food processor two at a time, empty into a bowl

Chop almonds in food processor with lemon zest

Mix all ingredients into a bowl

Tip for vomiting child

Give juice in a bottle with a slow stream-- so glad i still had one... it allows child to lay down and not drink too fast so prevents vomiting... save bottles forever!!!

The Sibling Controversy

I'm not gonna lie... I'm a little afraid to put pen to paper on this one because people get offended REALLY easily.
So-- let me preface the entire post by slapping this disclaimer on it:

I FULLY RESPECT PARENTS WHO DECIDE ONE CHILD IS THE RIGHT DECISION FOR THEIR FAMILY.  THIS POST IS NOT REALLY FOR THOSE PARENTS--IT'S FOR THE ONES ON THE FENCE.  IT'S TOUGH ENOUGH TO FEEL 100% ABOUT ANY DECISION AS A PARENT-- IF YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT THAT ONE CHILD IS YOUR MAGIC NUMBER-- THAT IS AWESOME AN SHOULD BE CELEBRATED.

But to the rest of you...

I'm inspired to write this after watching one of my closest girlfriends enter motherhood.  She just completed her first year on the job... and while her son is a pretty awesome kid... he can be a handful.  Always on the go, etc.

It's really made me think back a lot to when we just had one and were about to leap into another baby.

First of all, I'm an only child.  It's actually something I liked as a kid.  I felt really comfortable alone, and super comfy talking to adults.  Looking back, I realize I wasn't so great negotiating with peers and I had anxiety about certain social situations and wasn't great at sharing space, time, belongings, energy, resources, etc.  As an adult, I wish, wish, wish I had a sibling.  On my wedding day.  When my mother is being impossible.  When something sad happens.  When it's a holiday and even my closest friends I think of as family are with their... well, family.  For my kids to have cousins and sort of relive my childhood with MY other person who went through the same childhood.  That-- I wish I had.

When my youngest had to stay overnight in the hospital, his two big sisters cheered him up way better than I did!

I watch my 3 kids and while adding each one to our family unit was chaotic, hard, and turned everything upside down for about a year and a half each time... what is 18 months of HARD compared to 100 years of adding an incredible human being to the earth?  (Again-- disclaimer-- if you are 100% sure you don't want another baby, don't have a baby!!!!  But, if it's worries about the shitstorm that will hit for a year or so... think about it more.)  It's like labor... painful, but worth it.

Now, I was blissfully ignorant.  We had textbook baby stuff-- teething, tough time breastfeeding that first time--- but overall , Baby #1 was an easy baby.  If you have your hardest baby first... that is TOUGH.  (And unfair!)  Our next two babies had major sleep issues which sucked the joy out of the house for 4 months each.  4 months is YEARS in newborn time.  And we has no family of friends at all nearby to tag us out.  It was rough.

Admittedly, I am trying to build the family I never had.  If you have already lived that, it might not feel like you're missing out on anything.  And not every child should have the same family or upbringing-- for sure.

So-- here is my personal Pros and Cons list...

PRO:

• A lifelong companion for your children
• Some natural discipline develops when everything must be shared with a sibling 
• After 18-24 mos it actually becomes a little less work because they play together
• It really allows couples time back in without sitters, because you can split off without leaving anyone out
• Patience and perspective building
• Studies have found most (not all) second children are the most easy-going
• Sib has a peer family member to relate to-- turn to for help (sometimes an intermediary for parents in certain phases of growing up)
• Sibling is the one person you will know longest in life

CON:

• No one can guarantee close adult sibs (tho you can foster it)
• Tough adding any new person to the family-- about a year of adjustment
• Requires more resources (tho, in my opinion, not very much--it's the first child that adds the bulk)
• Not as easy to get family to watch 2 kids as it is 1

Pros and Cons aside... the true test for me is this... close your eyes and picture the life you want when your oldest is 25 years old... what does it include?  Big holidays with lots of people, grandchildren?  Or lots of traveling with just your partner-- both?  No one can tell you what is right for your family-- that's the tough part... my point is this, though... decide based on the long-term-- of life as a whole-- no just the next few years.

I'm an only child and I've sought out families of friends that make me feel loved, and friends that feel sibling-esque.  I had a good childhood and I like who I am--- I think some kids SHOULD be only children-- onlies are a good addition to the Earth!

Nothing is a guarantee.  Everything is hard until you're past it.  What's meant to be, will be.

And a dozen other cliches that don't help you one bit... go with your gut... and good luck.  :)

Fostering independence

The girls...

I don't know what made this unacceptable in 2014.
The girls forgot to ask for water when we were in line-- we sat down, took a bite and they asked for water.
We told them if they wanted it, they'd have to go back in wait in line, and ask for it.  They were too scared.  We told them they'd have each other.
They nervously went.
They accomplished.
I must admit... as a parent of young  kids in 2014, I sometimes feel you can't win in this situation... people think you're negligent to let your kids more than 10 feet out of your sight-- and yet they label this young generation "entitled"... well... they will be if we keep doing everything for them.

Facebook Insulates

I just realized Facebook basically makes it seem everyone is on the same playing field. We're not. We all have different resources, circumstances, means... but if people are only posting chosen bits and pieces of their life-- well, if nothing else, it's not really authentic communication. 
It's the WAY we read those added up bits and pieces and then choose what to hide that saddens me.


Yes-- I think about how I have friends all over the map/finances etc-- and how their "norms" are so different.. but why isn't it embarrassing to post pics of a new car or mani/pedi, shopping spree, (not that it should be)-- but somehow it WOULD be embarrassing to post "Grateful for food assistance--it really means a lot to our family, #grateful!"... It does both sides a disservice--- the richer people are ignorant to the fact that they likely know people in this position, and the poorer are afraid to out themselves because they don't see support for it anywhere. Amongst their own friends! Anyway-- I just saw a disjointed thread this weekend and it suddenly made me realize how in some ways social media frther insulates certain groups.

Parenthood

Sometimes parenthood feels like not being able to spend enough time with your kids and spending too much time with them all at once.