Originally posted: Friday, July 16, 2010
Stillness
I don't know how to be still.
I don't have much "free time", but when I find an amazing moment where both girls are sleeping and my husband is busy... I have no idea what to do. Sleep seems like a waste of that time, and cleaning seems sad. Ashamedly, I turn the TV on more than I should. I do a fairly good job of turning it off if nothing good is on, but "good" has recently expanded to TMZ, so... I don't have great standards. (To be fair, I don't have cable and nursing gets me hooked on shows I would otherwise never watch.)
I caught half of an Oprah show a few weeks ago about the book "Women, Food and God" (again, while nursing). While I was watching, a little voice kept nagging at me, "You're afriad to be still."
I know it's true. I am.
I have done it so little in the last several years, that I am actually afraid of stillness. It's not what many moms describe---feeling guilty for taking a moment for myself--believe me, I grab moments even when I shouldn't, sending my 3 year old to the playroom to watch a TV show while I read email and pay bills---or sticking my baby in the swing so I can get a much deserved snack when I am starving. I'm no martyr.
This is different. A fear of being quiet, Doing nothing.
Even now, I am typing about doing nothing instead of just doing nothing.
I did an experiment before this--- I realized I'd have at least 15 free minutes and decided to try to be still just for 5 of them. After 1 minute I couldn't believe 10 minutes hadn't passed.
Why can't I be still and sit and listen? Am I afraid of what I'll hear?
I am not sure. But, my plan is to try again. This time, 2 minutes of stillness.
Maybe by the time I'm dead I'll have learned to be still. It should come in handy then.
I don't have much "free time", but when I find an amazing moment where both girls are sleeping and my husband is busy... I have no idea what to do. Sleep seems like a waste of that time, and cleaning seems sad. Ashamedly, I turn the TV on more than I should. I do a fairly good job of turning it off if nothing good is on, but "good" has recently expanded to TMZ, so... I don't have great standards. (To be fair, I don't have cable and nursing gets me hooked on shows I would otherwise never watch.)
I caught half of an Oprah show a few weeks ago about the book "Women, Food and God" (again, while nursing). While I was watching, a little voice kept nagging at me, "You're afriad to be still."
I know it's true. I am.
I have done it so little in the last several years, that I am actually afraid of stillness. It's not what many moms describe---feeling guilty for taking a moment for myself--believe me, I grab moments even when I shouldn't, sending my 3 year old to the playroom to watch a TV show while I read email and pay bills---or sticking my baby in the swing so I can get a much deserved snack when I am starving. I'm no martyr.
This is different. A fear of being quiet, Doing nothing.
Even now, I am typing about doing nothing instead of just doing nothing.
I did an experiment before this--- I realized I'd have at least 15 free minutes and decided to try to be still just for 5 of them. After 1 minute I couldn't believe 10 minutes hadn't passed.
Why can't I be still and sit and listen? Am I afraid of what I'll hear?
I am not sure. But, my plan is to try again. This time, 2 minutes of stillness.
Maybe by the time I'm dead I'll have learned to be still. It should come in handy then.
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