You know those things you are not supposed to talk about to other moms?
Like, there's the taboo of judging other moms' parenting – which by the way plenty of moms feel they can do and then just throw in a, "Oh, I'm sure whatever you're doing is fine! " as if that protects them from the previous 5 minute lecture on how co-sleeping is unhealthy for the child's independence. (All this while her kid runs around the playground hitting people... Independently.)
For as much as moms share, there are certain things you just aren't supposed to say. Actually, there are the things you are not supposed to say but they are said anyway, and then there are the things you are really not supposed to say.
Some of the things you aren't supposed to say but they are said anyway are things like:
-oh, that's weird, my little Jaiden slept through the night 11 hours at a stretch by 3 weeks old
-Wow, your poor husband. Hm, I was totally dying to have sex, even as they were sewing me up!
-you're doing it wrong.
Okay, so no one really ever comes out and says that last one Word for Word, but it's what all that shitty banter boils down to.
But there is one topic that I have found in my last six years of being a mother that is absolutely positively must be kept quiet and not be shared. The biggest taboo of all is…
Having a wonderful, equal, Often – does – more – than- you... Partner.
I cannot tell you how many times I've been in a circle of moms who have been talking about the lameness of their husbands when it comes to the children or the house. A few times, in the beginning, I shared also, but all I really had was, "yeah... Seth takes a really long time to do the dishes. "But guess what? I don't think I've done the dishes more than three times since we have been married. He also most definitely did more diapers than me with our first born. He actually said to me "if you get to do all the feedings, then I get to have my own thing. Don't change any diapers, that's going to be my thing. "I love these stories about him, but I kind of just get hatred from other moms if I want to share them.
Why can't I share this stuff? Is it the "baby sleeping through the night "of husbands? Is it bragging?
I felt bad a few weeks ago at the playground when another mom told me that her husband couldn't get her newborn to sleep. We had babies around the same time. What do I say? "Oh Seth is so great with him, sometimes when I just can't get him down, I'll hand him to Seth and he always goes down!"
I feel like the only talk about husbands that happens is trash talk. Maybe that's harsh for the legitimate venting that goes on, I get it, it's not like my husband doesn't annoy me, he certainly does. But not by being lame or not being able to handle the 3 kids just as well as I do.
Maybe those of us with these great partners should start speaking up. Maybe if we do, the "idiot dad" thing will disappear. Because, the other taboo thing that I could never share is this: I think the reason some (I said some, not all!) guys are like that is because of us moms. We want things done a certain way, or dare I say it, we want validation that we are the only ones who can do it, it affirms us.
I want to be able to share how great my husband is, he deserves it. When he stood there on the playground that day, he was pushing some kids – one of them was our daughter – on a tire swing. He listened as the woman said that her husband couldn't comfort her son, and he listened as I said nothing back. I felt bad. Here he is working hard to do his part, and it's like a taboo we can't speak about to other couples. Here's a guy who got up and sat with me at every feeding the first four months of our firstborn's life, just because he wanted to be available in case i needed somethng.
Maybe this is more common than I really know, that would be great. Maybe everybody is just as nervous as me to NOT complain about their partner.
And now o flip the entire argument I made, NOR should him doing dishes, bath time, etc deserve some kind of award! No one responds with awe if a mother does these things-- it's just parenting.
At the beginning of last school year, I met a few new moms during a volunteer project-- I was pregnant and they were asking me how I was doing. I really felt a connection and so I started to over-open up... you know that feeling when you realize too late you should have held back? Yep. I could see their faces start to turn into surprise and then shock. "You don't do the dishes? ... that poor guy, you've got to do more!... wow, he's needs to come to my house"... but even as the mood turned "jokey" you could see they thought something must be wrong with me. Why wasn't I doing all the cleaning up? Why wasn't I getting no sleep in my pregnancy-- clearly I expected too much of my partner. And I actually felt that way for the rest of the day.
But... our family works-- our life works. I'm not here to say everyone should do it this way-- but I am here to say, that just because it's isn't old school traditional, doesn't mean he's a saint or I'm a slacker.
Apologies for the disjointed stream of consciousness... I am the mother of three, one of which is a newborn and it's a miracle I was even able to get more than 4 sentences down.
