Parenthood is hard. It's an 18+ year shift. What!?
I had a couple thoughts chatting with my two closest friends-- both are mamas of one, both their kids are 1 year old.
When I think of these things that I've learned over the last 7 years-- without realizing I'd learned them-- I'm compelled to write them down because I am sure I'll forget by the time I'm a grandmother. All the older women I know seem to only remember the cute stuff... I hope I can keep this stuff alive enough to relate to my own kids when they are parents and not be dismissive like so many older parents I hear telling me "these are the best years".
1. You get better (or at least more efficient) with time. Remember the first time you did your own hair? That ponytail probably had 18 "bumps" even though you likely brushed it for 20 minutes up into the gathered spot. Now you can throw up a good looking ponytail in about 17 seconds. That's Parenthood-- every year you smooth out the bumps and get even faster at what used to take half a day. It HAS to work that way, otherwise how would you survive adding more kids, plus taking care of a house, meals, school, etc? It really would amaze you to jump forward and back in time and see your abilities then vs. now. It's why I loved the book What Alice Forgot-- she wakes up with amnesia and can't remember the last 10 years... she has a 10 yr old but thinks she is pregnant for the first time-- she knows nothing at all about parenting-- it's really interesting watching her see what her life has become.
2. Don't make your kids' lives too comfortable. I didn't really embrace this til two years ago, when I read a book for book club called The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. From the description: "[helps parents to] accept that their children are both ordinary and unique, and treasure the power and holiness of the present moment. " When a child gets a bad teacher-- the best choice is not to switch classes. Children learn as much from that experience as anything else. Making things easier and better for them throughout childhood won't serve them after the age of 18 when they will deal with all kinds of situations and people. Sheltering them (in my opinion) is counter-productive. Obviously, there are cases where something is past the point of "bad", but for the most part, we should allow them the full range of experiences-- not just the good ones, the comfortable ones. The other side of this is embracing their ordinariness, not putting the pressure on to be "special". I read somewhere that most parents would rather their child was either gifted, or has a learning disorder to explain why they are not gifted--- most parents refuse to embrace "average"---it isn't a bad word, and it puts undue pressure on kids to expect them to be extraordinary. Again-- this is just stuff I read that makes sense to me, it clicked for me.
3. Zoom out. Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed... like really overwhelmed... I have these two scenarios I imagine. First, that movie Open Water (which scared the crap out of me)... if I was suddenly in the middle of the ocean with sharks circling-- how joyous would I feel to have these daily problems? I'd trade spots in a heart beat. Second, I imagine myself "zooming out", floating out in space, looking down at the Earth... it just makes everything seem so tiny and a messy house seems like such a non-problem when you see the universe stretched out in front of you and the year 2014 even seems like a joke.... a speck of sand in the history of the world. Which of my choices will impact the world? Let me focus on the big picture.
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