I was talking with my friend Rachel today. Rachel and I became best friends in 7th grade when we moved each other up to "1st best friend"-- a decision made in Ms. Boudreau's second period math class.
Rachel had her first baby almost 5 months ago-- nine weeks after I had my third baby. It's kind of great to be pregnant with a friend who's known you that long. (Um, I still remember reading this terrible magazine with her in 7th grade called '13 & Pregnant'--like today's version of reality TV--and here we are 20 years later!) Talking with her and my friend Mary Jo (also an old friend who had her first baby 5 weeks before my third), all of these realizations come to me. I'm seeing things fresh as a first time mom from their perspective, but applying my 6 year tenure to the equation. When I give them (mostly solicited) advice, it kind of forces my 2007-new-mom self into view. It's making for many epiphanies.
One I had today is this...
Rachel has been having a hard time finding a moms group. She's 4 months into motherhood, she somewhat isolated living in a suburb-- it's her and Google basically. She has tried La Leche League, but their meetings are only once a month and sometimes get shifted. She tried an exercise group. She tried a Mommy & me gym class. She felt like she didn't fit in. She felt like she was intruding on moms who already knew each other.
And I realized--it's HARD being a new mom. Sure, hard for the obvious reasons. Sleeplessness, figuring out naps and breastfeeding, and a new body, and being covered in goo and sweat most of the time--- of course that's hard. But-- what's really hard is when you get it together to go out as a mommy & baby... are you a mommy, or are you...well, YOU?
This isn't even something I realized til much later. Years later. When I became a mom and started meeting other moms--or even just being with my baby somewhere-- I had this subtle underlying notion of what a good mommy would be like and I think I was trying to be THAT --- it's pretty hard to feel good about making new connections--especially at such a vulnerable and raw time-- when you're not sure where "mommy" and "Emily" meet. I remember I stopped swearing right after my oldest was born. But, just before she was a year, I had become really close with a mom-- my first mommy friend I was sure I would have been friends with even if our girls weren't the same age and we weren't mommies-- and during a playdate, it slipped out-- "fuck"--- and she was right there with me-- it felt SO good. Not to swear---but to not be worried about staying in 'mommy character'. I was starting to just be Emily who is also a mother-- not Mommy Emily.
Having the right kind of moms around you can change everything. If you have judgey ones--even if it's subtle ("Really? We never had to go in so many times to put Charlie down, he knew it was time for bed because we had a good routine from the start.") it can drain you-- it can make you feel like a failure, or, at best simply not supported. If you have the right moms around you? It's like $10K worth of therapy. Having moms around you who love you for who you are as a person-- not just as a mother, is priceless.
Feeling sweaty and gross and isolated and having this new huge role--arguably the most important role of your life-- AND having to make new friends? HARD. So, having one who knows you well can be a lifeline. Having a friend who knew you before motherhood and reminds you with inside jokes or stories that you are still that person is a huge gift that first year postpartum especially. But-- if you don't have that--- make sure the friends you are making you are making as your WHOLE self--bring yourself to the table. In this way, you'll make true connections, not just be matchmakers for baby playdates.
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