Breastfeeding Sucks

I have been breastfeeding now for a running total of 34 months... I am on baby #3.

I don't like it.

And if you ask me at 4 AM… I fucking hate it.

Meanwhile I'm nursing while I write this post.

I've been putting off this post for several years. I just didn't really feel like hearing any feedback from it.  Also-- once I weaned the last two times I thought, "Oh, Emily, it was hard, sure--but it was amazing!  Breastfeeding was so special (sniff, sniff) and now it's over!"

I kind of hate breast-feeding. I'm committed to nursing past one year old, exclusively, no supplementing with formula of any kind. Let me be clear that I'm not proposing this choice for anyone else, but it's extremely important to me and I never considered formula to be an alternative for me or my children.

I was pregnant with my first child in 2007, and after taking a breastfeeding class, my husband and I decided that we would exclusively breast-feed her for two reasons… 1. It was free, and 2. in my research I read that the majority of women shrink back down to a cup size smaller than pre-pregnancy. Pre-pregnancy i was a DD, so I was hoping for a free 'breast reduction'. No joke. Obviously, this is a reason to breast-feed from a mom who hasn't had a baby and has no idea what she's talking about ;). Needless to say I have only grown in cup size with each pregnancy and breast-feeding time.

When I breastfed  my first baby, I didn't know anyone else who had ever breast-fed. At 27, I was the first of my friends to have a baby, and no one in my family had breast-fed that I knew. It was a torturous 6 weeks. Thank goodness my husband and I had taken the breast-feeding class and I had the phone number of a local lactation consultant. My husband called her in the first couple of days when I wouldn't stop crying every time I nursed-- especially at night.  I joke that she started sleeping through the night at 7 weeks old (10 hr stretches) because I would be so upset (crying and yelling in pain) that she was like, "Dude, I'll just see you when the sun comes up, Ma."

Anyway-- the lactation consultant came to the house and helped us and it was like a whole different experience... Then 8 hours went by and I was back to having no idea. I refused to call her again because I thought she'd think, "This woman is an idiot. I just showed her how to do all of this"... what kind of mother was I if I couldn't even figure out how to feed my baby right?   I thought of myself as a "crunchy" mom and wanted t be so in tune with my baby... This was not coming naturally and it hurt so bad. My husband learned from her class that the success of the breast-feeding mother can depend up to 90% on the husband's support.  He can make it or break it. It is in times like these when the mother is so upset and in pain and tired-- she just needs a cheerleader, a guide-- and her husband might not be able to bear seeing her like that anymore and ask her to please just use formula 'this time'. Grateful my husband took that class because despite my wishes he went and secretly called the lactation consultant again and she came back.

Even though it got easier after that six-week mark, and less painful, I never became one of those women who was in love with breast-feeding. In fact, it often felt like I really needed distraction (TV, iPad) to get through the nursing session. Pumping just made me feel worse, it made me feel anxious and it always felt extra-  never like it was replacing a session for some reason.

Since I have larger breasts, I couldn't do all the tricks people talked about at La Leche League  meetings. When you are an H cup, there is no pulling your boobs out of the top of the nursing tank. There's not even a nursing tank for you, I have tried them all. Nursing in public is a completely different ballgame when your breasts are twice the size of your baby's head.

When I had my second baby, the first two weeks were rough again, but it was better. But I still didn't love it. I wanted to be able to cuddle my babies without them wanting me to nurse them all the time. I felt jealous of my husband who got to just nuzzle her without having to give up a body part to do it.  (And here is my shout out to that guy-- who is so freaking amazing and woke up with me for every feeding for #1 just because he didn't want me to struggle alone-- 100% onboard and helpful and, just--well, the best.  Love you.)

I had mom friends I could tell were frustrated that I wouldn't just give formula. That I had no real right to complain when there was an option.  But I just didn't feel there was any other option that I liked. Breast-milk was what I wanted to give my child, and I wanted it to be mine, and I wanted the extra bonus of the baby having skin to skin time with me and the bonding.

Baby #3 is 6 months old and he nurses more than either of his sisters did. Don't get me wrong, it is nice to know that I can provide comfort this way no matter what. I know my husband wishes he had something as magical as lactating breasts. The only thing he can do is put in time and effort, no quick magic trick like mama.  This baby nurses 10 times a day and still wakes up 3 to 4 times a night to nurse, much more than my girls did. It makes me mad!  And then I feel guilty for being mad.  I'm the mommy, I'm supposed to be all love and peace and comfort… But I need at least 5 to 6 straight hours when my body is back under my jurisdiction-- to literally get ahold of myself and reset.  There is no break, though.

I recognize part of this is body image, and I'm not comfortable enough with my own body to be constantly covering it and uncovering. I don't even like getting dressed and undressed every day! Motherhood has changed my body all three times, and while I love looking at posts and articles about embracing our new bodies, I think it's hard for me to actually apply that wisdom.  I am proud of what my body has done 3 times--and  am grateful for it, but I still have a ways to go in terms of loving the entire inside and out.

Anyway, by the time I'm done nursing I will have done it for close to four years. I'm really proud of it. I'm SO fucking proud of it because I didn't like it but I knew it was the best choice, and I DID IT.  There have been hundreds of times I've had sweet moments while nursing, so the picture isn't me being mad every time I sit down to breastfeed, rather that it's not necessarily something I look forward to.  But I do love the special moments when they come-- and maybe they are even more sweet because I don't expect them.

Nursing my first daughter for 14 months empowered me--it was the hardest thing I ever did up til then--and it later gave me the courage to try for a natural birth and birth center with my second baby. Breastfeeding taught me a lesson that if I say I'll try something really hard, I likely won't end up doing it, but if I say I WILL, then it'll happen.   (i.e. I'm going to try to breastfeed vs. I AM going to breastfeed) etc.

I decided to write this, because I was talking to a friend of mine who is an advocate for breast-feeding and writes a lot about it. And I confessed to her that in truth I don't enjoy breastfeeding and she told me I should say that. That there are other women out there who tried to breastfeed, had some problems or didn't enjoy it and figured that it wasn't for them, and so they stopped. They only heard breastfeeding moms who talked about how wonderful it was, perhaps.

 So, this is for any other moms out there – I certainly hope I'm not the only one– that doesn't feel like Mother Earth when she nurses or like breast-feeding is her cup of tea… Here I am to say I feel the same way, and I'm doing it anyway.  The benefits are too good to pass up, both for my babies and my own body. Lower cancer rates, lower allergy and asthma rates, there are websites dedicated to listing the hundreds of benefits of breast-feeding, so I won't do that here. Just like my dental checkups, I don't enjoy the process, but it's important to my health.  As Amy Spangler says, "While breastfeeding may not seem the right choice for every parent, it is the best choice for every baby."

I could edit and edit--but as my page says--I aim for 80%, so I'm publishing now--before it back burners itself.  I'm sure I have forgotten a lot and not been as clear as I hoped--or even made my point as well as I liked--but here is the basic message, warts and all...

I am certainly not telling anyone what choice they should make for their family, every mother has to do what works best for her family… I'm just here to say that if your perceived notion of breast-feeding mothers is that it is for crunchy granola earth mothers who feel deeply connected and tout breast-feeding as "the most wonderful feeling in the world"... it isn't so for all of us.  Breast-feeding is the cornerstone of who I am as a mother, it is important to me, I will always advocate for it… But, I don't do it because it feels good, but because it feels right.