The Sibling Controversy

I'm not gonna lie... I'm a little afraid to put pen to paper on this one because people get offended REALLY easily.
So-- let me preface the entire post by slapping this disclaimer on it:

I FULLY RESPECT PARENTS WHO DECIDE ONE CHILD IS THE RIGHT DECISION FOR THEIR FAMILY.  THIS POST IS NOT REALLY FOR THOSE PARENTS--IT'S FOR THE ONES ON THE FENCE.  IT'S TOUGH ENOUGH TO FEEL 100% ABOUT ANY DECISION AS A PARENT-- IF YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT THAT ONE CHILD IS YOUR MAGIC NUMBER-- THAT IS AWESOME AN SHOULD BE CELEBRATED.

But to the rest of you...

I'm inspired to write this after watching one of my closest girlfriends enter motherhood.  She just completed her first year on the job... and while her son is a pretty awesome kid... he can be a handful.  Always on the go, etc.

It's really made me think back a lot to when we just had one and were about to leap into another baby.

First of all, I'm an only child.  It's actually something I liked as a kid.  I felt really comfortable alone, and super comfy talking to adults.  Looking back, I realize I wasn't so great negotiating with peers and I had anxiety about certain social situations and wasn't great at sharing space, time, belongings, energy, resources, etc.  As an adult, I wish, wish, wish I had a sibling.  On my wedding day.  When my mother is being impossible.  When something sad happens.  When it's a holiday and even my closest friends I think of as family are with their... well, family.  For my kids to have cousins and sort of relive my childhood with MY other person who went through the same childhood.  That-- I wish I had.

When my youngest had to stay overnight in the hospital, his two big sisters cheered him up way better than I did!

I watch my 3 kids and while adding each one to our family unit was chaotic, hard, and turned everything upside down for about a year and a half each time... what is 18 months of HARD compared to 100 years of adding an incredible human being to the earth?  (Again-- disclaimer-- if you are 100% sure you don't want another baby, don't have a baby!!!!  But, if it's worries about the shitstorm that will hit for a year or so... think about it more.)  It's like labor... painful, but worth it.

Now, I was blissfully ignorant.  We had textbook baby stuff-- teething, tough time breastfeeding that first time--- but overall , Baby #1 was an easy baby.  If you have your hardest baby first... that is TOUGH.  (And unfair!)  Our next two babies had major sleep issues which sucked the joy out of the house for 4 months each.  4 months is YEARS in newborn time.  And we has no family of friends at all nearby to tag us out.  It was rough.

Admittedly, I am trying to build the family I never had.  If you have already lived that, it might not feel like you're missing out on anything.  And not every child should have the same family or upbringing-- for sure.

So-- here is my personal Pros and Cons list...

PRO:

• A lifelong companion for your children
• Some natural discipline develops when everything must be shared with a sibling 
• After 18-24 mos it actually becomes a little less work because they play together
• It really allows couples time back in without sitters, because you can split off without leaving anyone out
• Patience and perspective building
• Studies have found most (not all) second children are the most easy-going
• Sib has a peer family member to relate to-- turn to for help (sometimes an intermediary for parents in certain phases of growing up)
• Sibling is the one person you will know longest in life

CON:

• No one can guarantee close adult sibs (tho you can foster it)
• Tough adding any new person to the family-- about a year of adjustment
• Requires more resources (tho, in my opinion, not very much--it's the first child that adds the bulk)
• Not as easy to get family to watch 2 kids as it is 1

Pros and Cons aside... the true test for me is this... close your eyes and picture the life you want when your oldest is 25 years old... what does it include?  Big holidays with lots of people, grandchildren?  Or lots of traveling with just your partner-- both?  No one can tell you what is right for your family-- that's the tough part... my point is this, though... decide based on the long-term-- of life as a whole-- no just the next few years.

I'm an only child and I've sought out families of friends that make me feel loved, and friends that feel sibling-esque.  I had a good childhood and I like who I am--- I think some kids SHOULD be only children-- onlies are a good addition to the Earth!

Nothing is a guarantee.  Everything is hard until you're past it.  What's meant to be, will be.

And a dozen other cliches that don't help you one bit... go with your gut... and good luck.  :)