On working out your childhood on your kids

I grew up just my mother and me.
And while there was lots good and "eh" about that-- the most striking thing about it to me looking back, is how in the back of my head I was always afraid of her dying.

Because, if I lost her, I lost everything.  I'd lose my entire family, my house, my bedroom, my city, my friends, my school.  Everything.

I didn't think about this actively every day-- but it was always at the back of my mind.  Little things would send my imagination into a whirl about what would happen.  Whenever I got sick at school (not much) I tried not to call my mother because she was working and could never come get me-- so it was always a neighbor or aunt and it was so sad.  When you're sick you want your mom.  And I'd think "would my whole life be like this?",,, or if she went on a trip (not often) without me-- same.  And I think it's still there now that I'm a mom.  I am the mom in a family of 5-- there's "lots" of us... but that little fear is still there at the back of my head--but now it's for my kids and my husband.  For me, I've transferred that feeling to my husband--- because he is the family I found-- he is my touchstone.

I just don't want my kids to feel that feeling... the feeling of only ONE tether connecting you to your life.  I want them to have a dozen tethers.

Honestly, I think it's why I post on this blog.  I think of a recipe-- or a reason why I do something-- or a parenting tip... I am compelled to write it down.  Because... there it is--written down.  And if they forget or aren't able to ask me before I'm gone--- they can have the comfort of the answer waiting for them.

I think it's also why I try to create rituals and comforts.  Movie night every weekend!  Taco Tuesday!  Ears pierced when you are 7.5... banana splits for dinner when I'm too tired to cook... write thank you notes within 72 hours... Studio Ghibli films (a family fav)... talking at dinner every single night, everyone fighting to have their turn... all of us knowing everyone's fav meal and the meal they hate... Harry Potter movies is a must on rainy days ...on and on.

I'm aware that I'm doing all of this in part for the 8 year old me.  But, I think it's cathartic in a way.

And, if nothing else, I'll have a huge book of thoughts to read when I'm 90 and say, "Man, I wrote a lot of crap."

Mom and me, age 4