On God

When my oldest was in Kindergarten, I went to a parent discussion with our Rabbi about how to talk to your kids about God.  I loved ALL of what he said and shared, and while I can't transcribe all 60 minutes of discussion- especially over a year later- I'll share some of the biggest takeaways for me.

The year before my daughter came home from her Jewish preschool scared of God one day.  She said, "Morah Rachel said God is EVERYWHERE!"  Ha!  So, I became interested in healthy ways to talk to her about God, especially since I am not exactly sure where I stand on God-- I definitely believe in something bigger than us-- and I believe we are all connected--but my views on God specifically have changed a lot (and continue to) from when I was her age.

(While I'd love to share in story form, I'm afraid I'll never post if I do it that way-- this draft has been sitting here for a year!)

• The BIG one:  Don't say anything about God that, when they grow up, they will take as a lie.  Or-- take as an untruth is maybe a better way to put it.  'God lives in the sky and watches over everyone', etc. If you say, "God watches over everyone.", when they are older... if they lose someone, or something... that might not feel true to them anymore.  Why did God let that person get sick? etc.
• Don't be afraid to say, "I don't know".  I loved this part of the Rabbi's explanation... this is one subject where we're likely on the same level as our children.  Let them know YOU are still figuring it all out, too.  In fact-- that makes it easier for them to trust the whole thing rather than unwavering faith no matter what.  (Loved this.)  I told my daughter, "I used to believe______, now I believe _______, but we are always learning new things and changing our minds about what/who God is or means... let me know when you have new ideas about it, maybe it'll help me!"
• Don't give vague answers:  God is everywhere can sound scary, God is always watching (scary), etc.

I'm going to link to two articles he gave us that day, but I'll also credit and paste some passages from each in case links fail in the future...

My biggest take away is this:  Listen, answer honestly, don't be afraid to say "I don't know", and give them the same answers at 6 as you would at 30 -- (this is MY take away).

Emily  :)

1. How to Talk to Your Kids About God by Rabbi David Wolpe

1. Ask. Studies show that almost all children by the age of six have some developed concept of God. Ask them. Do not allow your own preconceptions to determine the range of their curiosity -- let them think, speculate, dream, imagine. Children will grow in their understanding, but only if we do not cut off conversation by dictating the "truth" or by evading the issue.

2. Tell Stories. Stories encourage children to form concepts of character. To learn about God, tell the stories of the Bible, the midrashic or teaching legends, incidents from your own life. Children are less adept at manipulating abstract concepts than they are at understanding concrete operational ideas. Along with stories, use descriptive language: Rather than "God knows everything" try to be specific: "God is the one who helps us to grow."

3. Bring God into everyday life. Tell your children that God loves them. Explain that the world is filled with evidence of God''s concern and artistry. If the language seems alien or difficult, find ways to ease into it. "Who loves you?" Go through a list -- parents, siblings, grandparents, and God. Remember that Judaism is filled with ideas of God''s love, in the prayers, in the Bible. And our best known prayer, theSh'ma, exhorts us to love God back.

4. Do not be defensive at challenges. Thoughtful children -- especially once they enter into adolescence -- will challenge our religious ideas. That is a sign of thoughtfulness. When we are angry or defensive we show our own insecurities, our unease with the religious ideas we profess. Welcome the challenge -- recognize that there are many good reasons to doubt God''s existence or benevolence. Engage in a dialogue, not a diatribe.

5. Learn good answers. There are no definitive answers to difficult questions, but there are good ones. Try not to fall into the trap of giving facile answers that may satisfy a six year old, but will be transparently unacceptable when the child is older and more sophisticated. It is better not to be understood yet than to misrepresent the complexity of the issues. Still, in many cases hard questions can be addressed very early: "If God dwells everywhere, is God in my pocket?" The appropriate answer to this is to explain the difference between physical and non-physical objects. The wind is invisible, but physical. Love is intangible. Ask a child "where is love?" You cannot point to it, but you can feel it. The same is true with God.

There is no one idea of God in Judaism. Our tradition is as rich theologically as it is culturally and historically. 

Our aim is not answers but spiritual growth. Allow yourself to be open to the directions that spiritual exploration can take you. Once again, as so often, through teaching our children, we learn.

2.  How to Talk About God by Rabbi Sarah Reines

1. Judaism does not have a rigid understanding of God.
2. There is no "right answer."
3. Positively reinforce your child's curiosity.
4. Try to speak of God from a soulful place, rather than an intellectual one.
5. Actions often speak louder than words.
6. Read!

When people tell me they don't believe in God, I ask them to describe the God they don't believe in. When they finish I say in agreement, "I don't believe in that God either." 

When our preschool children ask us why the sky is blue, we can go to the internet for a scientific answer, but a description of the atmosphere's composition and electromagnetic waves may not be what they need. In the same way, a theological discourse on whether or not God is omniscient or omnipotent will likely miss the mark. Children's questions may be a way for them to express their burgeoning spirituality. Leave space for your children to keep questioning and thinking for themselves. Engage in a conversation, rather than struggle to provide an answer. Spirituality requires questioning, imagining, and openness.

Often, children are more spiritually astute than adults. Give your child the space to explore this aspect of themselves. A legitimate, supportive, and honest answer can be, "That's a wonderful question. I ask myself that question sometimes. What do you think?"

Simple rituals can let God into our lives and our children's lives. When we light Shabbat candles and pause to watch the flames dance, sing the Shema in a whisper before tucking our child into bed, gather the loose coins in the bottom of purses and pockets and set them aside for tzedakah (charity), we foster an environment which will allow spirituality to flourish.

Books about God or books with a Jewish flavor can help provide language and focus for us. Sandy Eisenberg Sasso's God's Paintbrush and In God's Name are non-denominational picture books with beautiful illustrations which provoke and directly ask questions that you can discuss with your child. Some books for adult reading on this topic are When Children Ask About God by Rabbi Harold Kushner and Teaching Your Children About God by Rabbi David Wolpe.

For many, becoming a parent ushers in a newly-found or recovered sense of the Divine. The miracle of birth, the wonder of raising a child, opens our eyes anew to God's presence in our world. Allow your children to continue to lead you in this awe-inspiring journey of discovery.